[tag]Scott Adams[/tag] started this idea, but I wish I had thought of it…me being involved in the[tag] job employment space[/tag] and all. I hope you add your own, in my comment section.

Oh—one more thing, if you don’t laugh out loud at these comments, well—fagetaboutit, you are hopeless.

It is here: http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/the_dilbert_blog/2007/07/rounders-vs-acc.html#comments

Or just read it all here:

[tag]Rounders Vs. Accumulators[/tag] by Scott Adams, in his blog, DILBERTBLOG.typepad.com

Most people have at least a few big problems in their life. But the vast majority of life’s problems are the little kind. There are two ways to deal with the little problems.ROUNDERS: This group rounds things off. A problem that’s a two on a scale of one to ten gets rounded to zero. If a rounder has five problems that are all about a two on a scale of one to ten, he’ll tell you he has no problems.ACCUMULATORS: Accumulators add up all the little problems until they equal one big problem. If an accumulator has five problems that are each a two on a scale of one to ten, that feels like having one problem that’s a ten.Rounders are generally happy, because they perceive their lives to be mostly problem-free. Accumulators are often miserable because “nothing is going right.”

Readers of this blog will recognize this as closely related to the 80-20 rule about a job well done. Rounders are pleased with a job that’s 80% right because that rounds to 100%. Accumulators take the 20% that’s wrong and add it to the other things that are wrong and suddenly their world is falling apart.

Experts say there are many forms of intelligence: verbal, spatial, musical, kinesthetic, artistic, emotional, etc. I don’t know if there’s a separate category for rounding versus accumulating, but there should be. Or maybe it is part of the larger category of simply knowing what is important and what isn’t.

I’ve often said I have only one special skill. I can look at complicated situations and pluck out the thing that matters. That’s the secret to good writing and good comics. I’ll give you an example. Yesterday I was creating a Dilbert comic that will run in August. In the first panel, Dogbert needed to describe his job as VP of marketing. How do you do that in the fewest words? Here was my solution.

Click it to expand.

070915_turd

Clearly that would never get published, so I ended up changing turd to road kill. It’s not nearly as funny, but life is compromise.

Your assignment for today is to describe your own job in one sentence, preferably in a humorously derogatory way.

Go.

I make sure turds are well-formed.(XML programmer)

Posted by: Johnny Dev | July 13, 2007 at 08:28 AM

I am everybody’s butt-monkey. (Receptionist)I have also been slowly trying to reorganise the business so it makes sense (above and beyond the call of duty). Half the people I work with are psychologists, which means they know next to nothing about how to deal with people. I, being a mathematician at heart, for some reason am better at this.

Posted by: Anita | July 13, 2007 at 05:37 AM

I babysit a computer program I wrote 2 years ago, and pretend errors that occur are down to ‘Bad Data’.

Posted by: Minimal | July 13, 2007 at 03:17 AM

My work is to be disappointed with the human race and drink a lot of whisky when I’m home. A restart will fix it.IT Helpdesk

Posted by: Aquila | July 13, 2007 at 12:48 AM

I take photos of turds, then polish the turds in photoshop..I’m a photographer.. primarily a wedding photographer ;-)

Posted by: Paul Pichugin | July 12, 2007 at 07:08 PM

I take numbers on pieces of paper, rearrange them and put them on different pieces of paper.(Tax Accountant)

Posted by: d | July 12, 2007 at 06:04 PM

I build fecking big sawmills in Russia, *despite* working for a large company with a consensus based decision making policy…(Avoiding the turd reference) – DOH!

Posted by: Gavin | July 12, 2007 at 04:43 PM

I am told but a person who knows I can’t create turds, to create a turd for a group that had no idea how a turd is meant to function.I am a poorly trained student web designer.

Posted by: Amdillae | July 12, 2007 at 04:06 PM

I explain big words to sales people and then cower before customers and try to convince them that the sales person really didn’t say the bull-turd that they thought he did.(I am a Customer Solutions Engineer)

Posted by: Walt | July 12, 2007 at 01:19 PM

I produce the same virtual turds everyday, only changing colors to make ‘em seem different. I’m a web designer.

Posted by: Trotta | July 12, 2007 at 12:56 PM

I launch turds into the air…line industry.I hire pilots.

Posted by: Caitlin | July 12, 2007 at 12:35 PM

I clean up turds from an animal that makes more money then me in a year.(assistant horse trainer)

Posted by: Andrea | July 12, 2007 at 12:28 PM

I listen to the turd, ask it how it feels, encourage it to process through the traumatic experience of being catapulted out of and raised by an even stinkier turd.I am a therapist.

Posted by: obviouslynotworking | July 12, 2007 at 11:57 AM

I feel compelled to add another description of what I do most of the year.
I try to learn laws created a long time ago so later I can tell engineers why I’m smarter than they are, and why its a travesty that they get paid more.I’m a physics major.

Posted by: Mark | July 12, 2007 at 10:33 AM

I move turd around from one company to another.Headhunter.

Posted by: Rod | July 12, 2007 at 10:22 AM

It’s my job to use a metaphorical plunger to help turds fix their internet connection.ISP tech support.

Posted by: Dave | July 12, 2007 at 10:17 AM

Aren’t my marshmellows delicious? Sorry, I just ran out of white paint.

Posted by: Wayne | July 12, 2007 at 10:04 AM

Just recently finished this job, but I’ll give it a shot anyway.My job was to show you innovative ways to literally burn money in the spirit of patriotism.Fireworks stand manager.

Posted by: Mark | July 12, 2007 at 09:45 AM

It is my job to do basic math for people to stupid to balance or use a check register. (Telephone Banker)

Posted by: Rich C | July 12, 2007 at 09:35 AM

I take ideas for turds, and turn them into real turds.Game programmer.

Posted by: nwest | July 12, 2007 at 08:44 AM

Oh, finally a blog on this vexed subject! I have long faced this problem of aptly describing my job, whether to girls or just to normal people. I usually make the description neither concise nor intelligible, let alone witty! So here’s my first stab:”I try to make markets work freely by constantly intervening in them.”(Economist for regulator/competition authority, e.g. FTC)

Posted by: Adam R | July 12, 2007 at 04:30 AM

My job is to try and persuade hard working turds to part with their cash in exchange for large amouns of alcohol. I am a part time barman.

Posted by: Giles O’Donovan | July 12, 2007 at 03:43 AM

I am a government turd with the thankless task of attempting to keep all the other government turds honest.I am a Financial Auditor for my state.

Posted by: Deirdre F | July 11, 2007 at 05:27 PM

My job is to perpetuate our salespeoples’ lies.

Posted by: Dan W. | July 11, 2007 at 03:27 PM

I write the code that makes sure we get paid for all the porn that Europeans download from our sites to their cell phones. I know what you’re thinking: “Who in their right mind would want porn on their cell phones?” Obvious answer: “Just about everyone.”

Posted by: Blackfox | July 11, 2007 at 01:53 PM

I am a dyslexic, so I handle statistics; I am a history major, so I manage our website, desktop publishing and graphics manipulation; I tell people not to go into forest fires (four months a year); I give tours to people who already know it all (and don’t); I try to explain that the reason the historic structures are going to hell in a handbasket is because we have no money; I am routinely abused.I am, in short, a Park Ranger!

Posted by: billy | July 11, 2007 at 12:57 PM

I build turd 2.0 and convince customers it’s better than turd 1.0.since reading this i’ve been telling myself “Round down” every time something little starts bothering me(i.e. i place myself in the accumulator category). of course it’s only been a few days but i notice a difference!

Posted by: Joe-Joe Junior Shabadoo | July 11, 2007 at 12:37 PM

I’m a turd-herder, herding turds for turd powwows to generate more meetings for a turd-herding loop.Secretary to the boss

Posted by: Kim | July 11, 2007 at 12:18 PM

I save the ungrateful taxpaying turds money by moving turds off of expensive fibre and wire and fling them through air.Wireless specialist

Posted by: schelf | July 11, 2007 at 11:22 AM

My job is to repackage the turd as a steaming hot “meatloaf and your choice of vegetables” dinner to people who don’t seem to notice the difference.Newspaper editor.

Posted by: Leif | July 11, 2007 at 11:18 AM

I write software to show how much money we save so we can use that to justify canceling anything that saves money.

Posted by: Ryan | July 11, 2007 at 11:00 AM

I help people lie consistently to management.Business Intelligence Consultant

Posted by: DaBoss | July 11, 2007 at 09:48 AM

I am a button-monkey.I work in IT, and my job is to reboot computers that spontaneously work when you do, and fail when you don’t.For the record, I hate my job. The only saving grace is that people think I’m good with computers, and I can leverage this falsehood into a strong God-complex.Now if you’ll excuse me, I must return to my peons.

Posted by: The Ape | July 11, 2007 at 07:49 AM

It´s my job to tell people how faaaantastic the turd looks on them.I´m a sales assistant in a clothes shop

Posted by: Isabel | July 11, 2007 at 05:48 AM

I google, Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V!!!I’m an analyst with an IT services organization!!!

Posted by: Anand | July 11, 2007 at 01:54 AM

I take bullshit from dumbasses and bullshit other dumbasses into believing that it’s not bullshit.I work in advertising.

Posted by: Veda | July 11, 2007 at 12:29 AM

My job is to invisibly be everything to everyone.

Posted by: MikeBert in Phoenix | July 11, 2007 at 12:03 AM

Write, proofread and edit so my editor can read The Dilbert Blog :P

Posted by: Ullas | July 10, 2007 at 11:53 PM

architecture student – it’s my job to produce plans, elevations, sections and a model of a turd, integrate structure, then convince my tutors of its conceptual brilliance.

Posted by: Steve Styrus | July 10, 2007 at 09:17 PM

Social Worker:My job is to provide quality of life for my clients by saving from and/or schmoozing the gov’t programs that could help/hurt them, while enduring the stress of 10 jobs, working with the budget of a lemonade stand, and getting paid chicken feet.

Posted by: Slave | July 10, 2007 at 07:51 PM

It’s my job to design turds that stop turds from stealing turds from other turds. Security Systems Designer.

Posted by: Dave :^) | July 10, 2007 at 06:16 PM

I support turds who support end user turds so that they can fart into their phones all day.
I’m a Mobile Phone Technician!

Posted by: Adam | July 10, 2007 at 06:07 PM

For each project, I spend two years writing hypothetical reports that no one reads about nonexistent facilities that will never get built for a client that doesn’t care.Really gives me that warm fuzzy feeling inside that I’m making a difference in the world.BTW, I’m an planning consultant under contract to the government.

Posted by: 61north | July 10, 2007 at 05:29 PM

I would, but you did it for me in a previous comic. “Shut up and reboot”.

Posted by: ant723 | July 10, 2007 at 05:27 PM

I get paid for what I do when the shit hits the fan. Being lazy, I make sure that seldom happens. I certainly don’t get paid for what I do on a daily basis – tell management and users they are idiots (but so politely they don’t hear me).

Posted by: Ray | July 10, 2007 at 04:43 PM

My job is to take turds of Design and make them into real life turds, despite the fact that I’ve already identified them as turds that will never make it to gold master.I am a video game programmer.

Posted by: JP | July 10, 2007 at 02:11 PM

I take some idiot’s (graphic designer) turd delusion and make it a turd reality for the purpose of allowing the moist robots to interface with the Hive-Mind and then I fix the turd when the idiot moist robots do something completely retarded and break their intreface and start to squawk about it.In other words, I’m a Web Developer. All will become one with the Hive-Mind! :P

Posted by: Scott | July 10, 2007 at 01:35 PM

It’s my job to not stab Program Managers(Systems Engineer)

Posted by: Jason Marmur | July 10, 2007 at 01:21 PM

Wow 600+ comments — this is almost as good as the restaurant thing :)Scott said: “I’ve often said I have only one special skill. I can look at complicated situations and pluck out the thing that matters.”I just wanted to comment that people who are really gifted in this area amaze me. It’s a skill that I struggle with and have some successes, some times (heh, or do I just accumulate my failures? ;), but when I see someone who can do this consistently, I always envy them.Blog request: notes on how to develop that skill.Oh, job description: I’ve always used (on my business cards) “Janitor to the gods”, in reference to cleaning up the messes left behind by various levels of prima-dona.

Shrink said “Psychotherapist: It’s my job to bullshit people into thinking what they’re thinking is bullshit.”

Mrs. Olie, who is a psychotherapist describes her job as “when I was in sales, they paid me to lie to people. Now I get paid to tell people ”you’re lying””.

Posted by: olie | July 10, 2007 at 01:20 PM

I read the dilbert blog and act like I’m coding when my boss walks in.

Posted by: SMAX | July 10, 2007 at 12:51 PM

My job is to take the smelly farts and create really big stinky turds out of them while making it all smell like roses for people who have poop for brains.Computer Consultant/Manager/Programmer/Analyst/QA/…

Posted by: MM | July 10, 2007 at 12:15 PM

I help produce turds better, faster and cheaper.Lean Six Sigma Baby!

Posted by: 1969iggy | July 10, 2007 at 10:29 AM

It’s my job to organize various cluster-fucks and make them work.

Posted by: Scott | July 10, 2007 at 10:23 AM

I copy and paste the Internet.Student.

Posted by: UniGuy | July 10, 2007 at 10:03 AM

Hi Scott,My job is 10% productive and 90% reporting our team’s low production to management.

Posted by: SearchingForTheExit | July 10, 2007 at 09:54 AM

It’s my job to fabricate documents that include long words and subtle references to my apparent brilliance, therefore justify my pitiful salary.

Posted by: Chris | July 10, 2007 at 09:42 AM

I’m handed the stinkiest turd around and asked to convert it into some sort of sweet smelling, business-oriented aphrodisiac (ie make our customers love us!).aka: marketing.

Posted by: HeavyJ | July 10, 2007 at 09:28 AM

I take field turds and put them in everything you eat.(Chem Engineer)

Posted by: Kev | July 10, 2007 at 09:26 AM

It’s my job to make people feel better about their jobs.I’m a contractor who sits on the corner of two high-traffic aisle and is working on a this-needs-done-some-day-but-no-one-wants-to-do-it-because-it-is-so-repetitive,-tedious,-and-mind-numbing-and-will-take-forever project.At least since no one else is doing it and I have developed my own method of documenting everything it would be very hard for someone else to pick up right where I left off. I created my own job security.

Posted by: Poor me | July 10, 2007 at 09:14 AM

It’s my job to cram as much stuff as possible through a tiny hole.

Posted by: Drew Thaler | July 10, 2007 at 09:13 AM

I’m a professional artist, so basically I get paid to be me. Sweet gig.I’m also available for impossibility remediation. If it can’t be done, I’m on it. You’d be surprised how many impossible things aren’t.

Posted by: john t unger | July 10, 2007 at 09:08 AM

It’s my job to write programs so people can avoid work.WATYF

Posted by: WATYF | July 10, 2007 at 08:37 AM

@The person who compared Calvin & Hobbes with Dilebrt.
Just because Dilbert doesnt quite match up doesnt mean anything. I mean there are hardly any strip that could measure up to that level of genius.
Dilbert is very good in its own right and it doesnt make sense comparing them.

Posted by: PK | July 10, 2007 at 07:43 AM

Trying to make the sense of the shit the central bank(in India its RBI) throws at us in form of monetary policy. Believe me its really shit!!!!
Am a bond trader

Posted by: PK | July 10, 2007 at 07:39 AM

I explain what would happen if you were to put a turd on a ramp
High school physics teacher

Posted by: Timbo | July 10, 2007 at 07:15 AM

I deal with the loose turds that my superiors don’t want to touch…I clean up diarrhea. I am an intern.What’s more, I turn turds and/or diarrhea into news. I work for a PR Agency.

Posted by: The Intern | July 10, 2007 at 07:05 AM

My job is to develop a turd, who happens to be wearing dungarees and a red cap with an “M” on.

Posted by: Shigeru Miyamoto | July 10, 2007 at 07:04 AM

i recieve turds via email, sift thru them to find the best looking turds, interview the turds, write nice things about the turds to get them more money in their new turd-jobs…Recruitment Consultant

Posted by: Claire | July 10, 2007 at 06:40 AM

I use fancy software that makes a virtual model of a turd to tell the idiots designing the turds how much abuse their turds can take before they smear all over their hands and they have to poop another one… and then I make recommendations to make the next turds more smear resistant….I’m a mechanical analyst.

Posted by: charlie | July 10, 2007 at 06:34 AM

Business Analyst for a government agency. I spend a great deal of time explaining to senior people what the decision they have just made actually means.

Posted by: James | July 10, 2007 at 06:06 AM

I dig trenches in gravel, then bury semiprecious stones in the gravel, then help children dig up said gems, and repeat (Summer Job). In my free time, I seek out and destroy unwanted OEM copies of Windows Vista (Amateur Geek) and write a semi-regular webcomic currently on a summer hiatus (Amateur Cartoonist). I go to college to learn how to fabricate entertainment by capturing images of overpaid egos acting out scripts they secretly disdain (Video Major).

Posted by: anon | July 10, 2007 at 05:56 AM

My job is to tell the gov’t when the Con-tractor try’s to sell the gov’t the wrong turd.

Posted by: Zzyzxmo | July 10, 2007 at 05:17 AM

I get paid to teach your kids enough to complain, but not enough to make a difference.(College teacher)

Posted by: KE | July 10, 2007 at 05:01 AM

I work with the web. Well, it doesn’t surf itself, does it?

Posted by: pboedker | July 10, 2007 at 04:52 AM

I am an internal consultant (at least according to the last orga-chart), tasked with disecting the turd (process analisys), re-shitting the turd (flow improvement) followed by selling the new-improved turd to upper management, defend the turd (selling it to the working level)and finaly giving the turd tou our IT who ineveitably turns a well meaning turd into montenzuma’s revenge (our IT is renouned for claiming that this e-commerce thing will go away)

Posted by: Leon | July 10, 2007 at 04:45 AM

I correct the mistakes of the over-confident incompetents.

Posted by: Daniel | July 10, 2007 at 04:24 AM

I ‘m a student.It ‘s my job to believingly convince other people that I agree with them, but not too much.

Posted by: Hade | July 10, 2007 at 04:07 AM

I pass poisonous gas on command.(Research assistant in solid state ammonia storage)

Posted by: Ryan | July 10, 2007 at 03:34 AM

I am the lowest level manager in my company, 2 years out of B-school…So my job is :Chief peon to upper gods..If I were to use a turd reference, that would make my job :Cleaning the turd that upper gods keep dumping

Posted by: S@ns S@nity | July 10, 2007 at 02:38 AM

Working in IT. Taking the boss as the Turd.I work Off the Turd, by the turd and for the turd.hmph :-|

Posted by: Karthick | July 10, 2007 at 02:25 AM

repoop the turd at least 3 times, in every way possible, to determine whether the turd meets/matches expectations.

Posted by: effini | July 10, 2007 at 01:49 AM

i design websites using photoshop and microsoft messenger
(that’s funny.)

Posted by: ming | July 10, 2007 at 01:44 AM

I tell people their turds stink, then tell them how to make better turds.In other words, I’m a consultant

Posted by: Marc | July 10, 2007 at 01:34 AM

My job is to make people who are already filthy rich somewhat richer, by dupping poor people into bying stuff they don’t need.I’m a software engineer in a big company.

Posted by: Hugo | July 10, 2007 at 01:31 AM

I guess I’m my boss’s underwear since I spend all my time covering his ass.Copy-Print Tech/Customer Service Rep till the second I graduate from college and no longer need the pennies.

Posted by: John | July 10, 2007 at 01:10 AM

>Rounders are pleased with a job that’s 80% right because that rounds to 100%.I guess that’s the reason, why most Calvin and Hobbes strips are great while only a few Dilbert strips are really good.
It seems that Watterson put a lot more effort into it.

Posted by: TS | July 10, 2007 at 12:41 AM

My job is to fix developers appointment with his manager, for firingi.e. i am a tester.. be-aware..! :)

Posted by: Nin | July 10, 2007 at 12:04 AM

I just try to keep my companies turd floating in the bowl whilst customers keep pissing on me with their incompetence.. (Network Communications technician)

Posted by: Kevin Gibbs | July 09, 2007 at 11:48 PM

It’s my job to draw crown turds so they can be rented outI draw property plans for crown land (including boarders for mining and farming leases)fyi in this situation “crown” means something that belongs to australia thus essentially the queen of england.. hence crown.

Posted by: reeverse | July 09, 2007 at 11:46 PM

Scott your job is to make people with horrible jobs think their situation is funny.

Posted by: Ben | July 09, 2007 at 11:37 PM

I design lightweight, precise turds to survive a trip through the harshest toilet flush, with enough layers of paint that the customer will never catch a whiff of the stink.
(Spacecraft component engineer)
(The paint usually costs more than the turd.)

Posted by: Jnny | July 09, 2007 at 11:29 PM

Write scrap about scrap on my SME’s grace in the name of technology(Tech writer).

Posted by: videhi | July 09, 2007 at 11:03 PM

My Job is to get to people to crap faster.

Posted by: Bruce | July 09, 2007 at 09:52 PM

My job is to put ten pounds of turds into five pound bags.

Posted by: Art | July 09, 2007 at 08:29 PM

I work overseas. My title is Network Defender, but what I really do is wait until someone breaks a piece of my network for which I open a ticket, notify them that runs that peice of my network that it’s broken (if they didn’t know already), notify them that knows how to fix it, track everything they’re all doing in my ticket, and get yelled at by the turds state side who can’t remember that it’s mostly night time here when they’re awake, their emergencies are not mine, and them that runs and fixes it have to sleep sometime.Please just give me my red shirt and shoot me already!

Posted by: Shen | July 09, 2007 at 07:37 PM

I make people prove they are worthy to get money from me to buy turds, then I tell them they have to insure the turd, pay taxes on the turd, and pay me back twice as much for the turd, and they thank me for it.

Posted by: Mr Mark | July 09, 2007 at 07:02 PM

I make words look pretty so turds all over the world can learn English. (Textbook designer)by the way Jane…I hate “Electroneurodiagnostic Technologists” people like you hurt me!

Posted by: Wendy In Philly | July 09, 2007 at 07:00 PM

My job is to take the horrible lumpy enormous turd, pick out all the peas, corn and other painful bits, smooth it down, rearrange it and mould it into a nice trim comfortable turd that is easy to poop.I’m an editor.

Posted by: Natalie Schladetsch | July 09, 2007 at 06:26 PM

Today my work involved getting steamy in the bedroom, stripping and getting wood, naturally. Tomorrow I’m going to fill my employer’s large crack. I don’t often do this sort of thing. I’m a Saggitarius.

Posted by: Jez | July 09, 2007 at 06:01 PM

As an IT security consultant I spend my day trying to get clients to turn off – or cover up – the fans before the turds hit them. Of course they usually wait until AFTER the stinky stuff hits the whirly thing & are then stunned to be splattered.BTW – I’m a rounder when x>5 and an accumulator when x<5 I assume it comes with the job.

Posted by: Netminder | July 09, 2007 at 05:41 PM

I pull turds from shits that don’t want to crap, then produce a turd for shits that don’t want to look at it (tech writer).

Posted by: eclecticdog | July 09, 2007 at 05:19 PM

I find as many synonyms for “explosion” as possible.(Novelist for teenage boys)

Posted by: Jack Heath | July 09, 2007 at 05:18 PM

My job is to help those that generate the turd to learn how to avoid turd generation in the future all the while cleaning turds out of the bowl AND monitoring the destructive little midgets.I do IT support a high school.

Posted by: John | July 09, 2007 at 05:03 PM

A little late but:I figure out the voodoo necessary to get software turds to let me design functional hardware turds in half the time it should take.(Digital Design Engineer)Hi Ho! Its Mr. Hankie!

Posted by: Brian McKee | July 09, 2007 at 04:45 PM

I am a carpenter for the, ” If You Have to Ask, You Can’t Afford It” remodeling company. If it weren’t for people having more money than brains I wouldn’t have a job. I know; two sentences but I’m pretty sure you’re a customer that won’t mind.

Posted by: Jim | July 09, 2007 at 04:34 PM

My job is as head lackey. I head my area, but I lack the keys.

Posted by: AngryLabRat | July 09, 2007 at 04:13 PM

I help people get richer(it would be more noble if they weren’t rich alredy) by investing their money in ways that they’ll never understand. But as long as its working, they don’t give a crap!Hedge Fund Analyst

Posted by: Felipe Dex | July 09, 2007 at 04:08 PM

So there are already a few architects…It’s my job to use hypnosis to maximize clients’ imagination when presented with our turds on blueprints.

Posted by: adora | July 09, 2007 at 04:02 PM

I’m high school graduate. My latest assignment involved convincing a university that I am worthy enough to pay them lots and lots of money.

Posted by: shihchiun | July 09, 2007 at 03:36 PM

I supervise the guys and gals who try to protect the good poeple from the turds, only to be hated by the good people AND the turds.Police Sergeant

Posted by: Tigerh8r | July 09, 2007 at 03:34 PM

I move sick babies that are born in the wrong hospital to the right hospital so they can get better, then I move them back again.

Posted by: ianbee | July 09, 2007 at 03:30 PM

I take my coworker’s turds, make them look as non-turdish as possible, then cop turd when the management turds realise that the turd is actually a turd!

Posted by: OJ | July 09, 2007 at 03:18 PM

I make corporate propaganda feel like folksy truthisms. (TV ad director)

Posted by: stu | July 09, 2007 at 03:16 PM

I trick computer programs into doing what people actually want them to do, when doing what the people were doing doesn’t work.

Posted by: Marc Mengel | July 09, 2007 at 02:59 PM

It’s my job to explain the sublime turd. (Professor of British Romanticism)

Posted by: Ann | July 09, 2007 at 02:56 PM

I am the proverbial fan.

Posted by: SlowMovingTarget | July 09, 2007 at 02:51 PM

i work for welfare.
i try to help folk through the myriad of pitfalls that my pointy haired bosses have laid for them.i treat people as i would hope to be treated myself if i was in a similar situation,i have been in the past.so if somebody decides to be an ass………well you can guess where their claims go in the queue.

Posted by: sodajerk | July 09, 2007 at 02:42 PM

Director of Mirth: Antics Division

Posted by: Matt | July 09, 2007 at 02:40 PM

Its my job to write the Owner’s Manual on how to use the turd effectively.No one ever reads it either.~Disgruntled Technical Diddley writer

Posted by: Caroline | July 09, 2007 at 02:37 PM

Database Programmer for Building Automation Systems -> I get blame for smell coming off of the lowest bidder’s crap.

Posted by: Jorrath Zek | July 09, 2007 at 02:36 PM

Sit in front of a computer and pretend to work.Automotive Design Engineer.

Posted by: Andrew | July 09, 2007 at 02:17 PM

My job is to create virtual life. I first create small objects that know only themselves. Then I create object companions that they can talk to. Then I create the rules of the universe in which they live. Then I encourage them to cooperate with each other and join together to create larger and more complex organisms. I am a software developer.

Posted by: larry horowitz | July 09, 2007 at 02:09 PM

I make food that is about as heathly as turds (dairy queen employee ).

Posted by: Chrono180 | July 09, 2007 at 02:03 PM

Regulatory Consultant: I help find the turds that companies have buried, and then tell them that they have a turd.

Posted by: Ubu Walker | July 09, 2007 at 01:58 PM

To follow behind the elephants in this parade to clean up their mess with a shovel that is too small for the job.

Posted by: Joe | July 09, 2007 at 01:52 PM

Waste Recycling, Promotion & Sales(Antiques dealer)

Posted by: Snicks | July 09, 2007 at 01:48 PM

I write words that no one wants to read.I write documentation for software.

Posted by: Solusike | July 09, 2007 at 01:47 PM

I can’t reveal my profession, but here is my sentence though:My job is to kill people just a little bit inside several times a week while ignoring people with problems.The reason I can’t reveal my job is because it might jeopardize the entire profession, and make everyone greedy as myself lose our jobs. But all the pieces are there, so if you are cleaver enough, you will probably figure it out.And I hope your secretary won’t unschedule our appointment next week.

Posted by: The Tree | July 09, 2007 at 01:41 PM

I design the turds that people live and work in and design them in such a way that they are cheap for the developer to build and appear as un-turd like as possible to sell them to the masses….I’m an Architect

Posted by: ravantra | July 09, 2007 at 01:32 PM

I drink coffee and ride a lot in the elevator.I’m a software consultant.

Posted by: Happy Swede | July 09, 2007 at 01:09 PM

My job is simple; I sit in an office in front of a computer, occassionally escaping to deal with a total cluster f*** of tards trying to accomplish a simple task, usually taking the most difficult route to finish their task because they do things how they were taught and do not apply common sense, then I return to my desk to sit and read about people who are generally in far off places and try to predict what they will do, it is rare that anyone in my job is accurate, since people are relatively unpredictable, but it really doesn’t matter, since I get paid weather I do work or not (although I do enjoy working actually) because your fine government pays me contractually rather than by how much work I actually do!(is that one sentence…. no… it is definately a run on, but I think it hits the head on the nail… although it isn’t funny… more like kind of sad)

Posted by: Katrina | July 09, 2007 at 01:01 PM

Scatologically, my job is to keep the turd swirling in the bowl.I am a software support analyst. Thus, my job is to keep already unhappy users at least happy enough that they keep using our product…

Posted by: John Simmons | July 09, 2007 at 12:59 PM

I’m in customer service, so essentially my job is to round accumulator’s issues.Lazy Boy

Posted by: Lazy Boy | July 09, 2007 at 12:57 PM

I’m an over-educated MBA who’s stuck being the senior software developer at the world’s oldest (and mostly dysfunctional) start-up. My job is to keep the new turds and all the turds created over the last 10 years from clogging up the toilet.

Posted by: Dan | July 09, 2007 at 12:46 PM

Another Software Developer here. My job is to ignore what the users say they want and give them what they need.

Posted by: RPK | July 09, 2007 at 12:42 PM

Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
And
Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don’t understand with much consternation.[Auditor]

Posted by: pand0ra | July 09, 2007 at 12:33 PM

My job is to decide if people are healthy enough for us to get any money out of them before they die.

Posted by: Kim | July 09, 2007 at 12:25 PM

I tell people how to turd properly, so you can make sure turd is functional after some years, and it’s easy to add or modify that turd. Not to mention that I tell that because I have experience in creating turds as well.(Application Developer Lead)

Posted by: Macgiver | July 09, 2007 at 12:19 PM

Process Specialist: my job is to find fault – and then everybody says I’m negative

Posted by: DD | July 09, 2007 at 12:14 PM

Software Quality Assurance: I wash off the spray paint and remind the programmers that they still tried to hand the customer a turd (and a wet one, at that).

Posted by: FlyingFish | July 09, 2007 at 12:07 PM

I’m a management consultant. I’ll tell you what I do if you pay me a million dollars, supply me with data about what I do, and assign to my command a team of your company’s top people who will analyze the data and put it into PowerPoint.Or you could just look at yesterday’s Dilbert strip.

Posted by: MC | July 09, 2007 at 12:05 PM

My job is to squeak like the mouse and hoot like the owl!I work for an outsourcer and have to deal with people on east coast and also half a way across the globe, on a daily basis.

Posted by: Sandy | July 09, 2007 at 12:01 PM

Most of my jobs have boiled down to: maintaining computers and helping people use them to produce presentations or instructional materials.Put another way, I help others make turds.
I am laxative.

Posted by: Ben | July 09, 2007 at 11:52 AM

I used to electrocute children, then teach them to build nuclear weapons.

Posted by: Custard | July 09, 2007 at 11:50 AM

My job goes by fighting sleep and furtive glances at the wrist watch wondering “Is it 5:30 yet?”

Posted by: ny | July 09, 2007 at 11:45 AM

I used to be a Manufacturing Engineer, which would make me the ExLax in the turd production process. Sure, the Design Engineers got the glory for creating the turd, but without me to make sure the line went smoothly, nothing would ever come out the other end.

Posted by: Diana W | July 09, 2007 at 11:38 AM

Business Analyst (Energy and Telecom) – I sell gas.

Posted by: Gandalf | July 09, 2007 at 11:36 AM

I take a stack of road kill and label it “Road Kill 2007- ##.” Then I put the road kill into individual sorted folders and move it around in different little stacks of road kill: A to B to A to C to A to D to A.-accounting assistant

Posted by: emily sonntag | July 09, 2007 at 11:35 AM

Relationship Management: I turn turds into gold.

Posted by: Marco | July 09, 2007 at 11:26 AM

My job is to tell you what the turd does (tech writing), tell you why you want the turd (marketing), and then fix the turd when it breaks (support), all without the slightest understanding of how the turd works (English degree).I’m also a freelance music critic.

Posted by: Daniel | July 09, 2007 at 11:22 AM

I’m a student, so I guess my “job” is best summed up as examining other people’s turds, thinking about them, and then doing my best to recreate them.

Posted by: VMBerns | July 09, 2007 at 11:15 AM

I store and retrieve turds, so that the entire world can move their turds from point A to point B.I’m a Database Administrator (Storing and retrieving turds of data) for Fedex (moving turds (packages) all round the world).

Posted by: Jim | July 09, 2007 at 11:10 AM

I watch my co-worker sleep and look at baby pictures online.

Posted by: Heather | July 09, 2007 at 11:07 AM

I cram elephants into matchboxes. (I develop cell phone versions of my company’s line of computer games.)

Posted by: Karl H. | July 09, 2007 at 11:03 AM

My job is to make people disappear.

Posted by: kal | July 09, 2007 at 11:03 AM

As a Product Manager: I define the requirements of the turd and tell Dogbert what color to spray it.

Posted by: Ric | July 09, 2007 at 10:49 AM

My job is to write detailed instructions to help other people spray paint turd, and then do it myself anyway, since they can’t identify which is the turd and which is the spray paint. (Outsourcing coordinator)

Posted by: shankar | July 09, 2007 at 10:48 AM

i’m the bottleneck in the turd-flow

Posted by: Cube Critter | July 09, 2007 at 10:45 AM

HR-speak title: Global Application Development ManagerActual title: Professional Cat Herder

Posted by: Vis Major | July 09, 2007 at 10:41 AM

Bemopolis:
>>It’s my job to take an unintelligible mess and turn it into something a retarded marmoset could follow (I’m a technical writer).>Me, too – but I’m a high school chemistry teacher.Its my job to confuse the marmosets by showing them the Chemistry teacher was wrong – I teach high school physics. Oh, and I laugh a lot and make sparks while I’m doing it.

Posted by: Lucas | July 09, 2007 at 10:40 AM

People come into my office and throw up on me, and after thanking them I either pull out a rubber stamp or try to get everyone to join together in singing kum by yah.Ombudsperson.

Posted by: Thomas | July 09, 2007 at 10:39 AM

My job is work in a real old turd app and keep the turd intact. Can’t wait to flush it down and have update turd to turd along.

Posted by: Grump | July 09, 2007 at 10:31 AM

I convert oxygen into carbon dioxide since no one trusts me enough to give me real work. (I’m an engineering intern.)

Posted by: Michelle | July 09, 2007 at 10:30 AM

I tell forty year old men it’s okay to behave like fourteen year old school girls.I’m a production coordinator at a printing press. Surprisingly, we get a lot more work done this way. I’m not 100% sure why, although I have a some of theories.

Posted by: Shawn | July 09, 2007 at 10:23 AM

I have 3 more years to go before I succumb to a life of picking turd out of pits and fissures and patching holes no thanks to the effects of turd…my dad reckons that my area of work is probably the smallest in the world. He forgot that gynaes are in existence. :)

Posted by: Jayelle | July 09, 2007 at 10:21 AM

I provide arcane information on a need-to-know basis.Chief Accountant

Posted by: Trish | July 09, 2007 at 10:12 AM

My job? Enjoying being myself, I guess. I’m not all that great at it yet, but with a bit of practice, I’m hoping I’ll get there. And when I get do finally get there, I imagine I’ll start earning a living at it, too, which I will definitely enjoy.

Posted by: Turil | July 09, 2007 at 10:10 AM

I am in charge of a research group. I cannot imagine a better job.

Posted by: latsot | July 09, 2007 at 10:04 AM

I save people from their idiocy, so they can do all the fun and exciting things listed here, by putting out blazing turds (volunteer firefighter/EMT).

Posted by: InkyDink | July 09, 2007 at 10:03 AM

My job is pretty much the same, except I use a roller instead of a spray gun.

Posted by: minister of silly walks | July 09, 2007 at 10:02 AM

Electrical Utility Engineer: My job is to make all of your turds shiny when it’s dark out.

Posted by: Sparky | July 09, 2007 at 10:01 AM

Bill more than the minimum number of hours per month, but in such a way as to be allowed to do the same next month, and next month, etc.

Posted by: matt m | July 09, 2007 at 09:59 AM

My job is to interpret the law and the facts in a manner that doesn’t make either side so happy that the other side thinks they’ve been screwed enough to appeal to a higher court. And to write it in a manner that makes it seem that no other result could even be contemplated by a reasonable person (or an appellate court), even though in actuality sixteen other results were equally feasible and some might even have made more sense. And then, to let my boss take credit for everything I do.On a really good day, once every few years, I get to actually give someone something they deserve, and/or take away something that someone doesn’t deserve. That’s fun.Law Clerk for Civil Judge

Posted by: InkyDink | July 09, 2007 at 09:57 AM

I’m a scapegoat.I have all of the responsibility for making good decisions, given none of the authority to have those decisions carried out. So, when the idiots above me go against my decision, I get the joy of having all the blame put on me when things don’t work out.Of course, if things do work out, those same idiots get all the credit.

Posted by: Forgottennotgone | July 09, 2007 at 09:52 AM

In the middle of a penis envy sandwich!

Posted by: Dotti | July 09, 2007 at 09:50 AM

I save the City of New York millions by paying out billions.

Posted by: Jabba | July 09, 2007 at 09:49 AM

Test Engineer:
Its my job to make sure the test will pass the turd.

Posted by: Dan | July 09, 2007 at 09:49 AM

I’m a rope cutter. One end of the rope is noose around a neck. The other end is tied to a strong board. I try to cut the rope before the hanging. Capital habeas attorney.

Posted by: gerald b | July 09, 2007 at 09:47 AM

I shepherd clients through the process of setting their products on fire.(not kidding, I do fire testing on consumer products)

Posted by: Tom | July 09, 2007 at 09:44 AM

Human Resources Manager: Responsible for babysitting; changing diapers, making sure the kids don’t hurt each other’s feelings, hit, bite, and/or spit on each other, and generally keep everyone entertained for eight hours each day.

Posted by: Daniel M. | July 09, 2007 at 09:41 AM

I’m a turd sculptor – aka maintenance programmer.

Posted by: Brett | July 09, 2007 at 09:31 AM

My job can basically be summed up in one word: “Buffer”. I work on a relatively small project which is part of a larger contract so there are only 2 software developers: myself and “my good buddy”. Everyone (DBAs, SAs, other developers, etc) here seems to hate “my good buddy” and basically refuse to deal directly with him so I am the “buffer” between them and him. How he is still employeed is beyond belief.

Posted by: The Dude | July 09, 2007 at 09:28 AM

I’m a PM, so I’ve always wanted “Customer Chew Toy” on my card

Posted by: Diana W | July 09, 2007 at 09:20 AM

Office Mushroom. Kept in the dark, fed turds all day, expected to produce something useful.

Posted by: Wyld One | July 09, 2007 at 09:18 AM

I take pictures of invisible light (I build gamma ray cameras for medical imaging)

Posted by: Jason | July 09, 2007 at 09:09 AM

My job is to sample and test the turds that businesses send to the giant turd lagoons next to the river. I’m an Industrial Waste Inspector (Sewer Cop.)

Posted by: Aglet Racing | July 09, 2007 at 09:08 AM

But Scott, what do Rounders do when confronted with multiple “8″ issues?

Posted by: anth | July 09, 2007 at 09:06 AM

Senior Accountant: Oh sweet monotony.

Posted by: Scottin08! | July 09, 2007 at 09:06 AM

I take old non-working turd and turn it into new, buzzword-compliant but still non-working turd.

Posted by: M. | July 09, 2007 at 08:56 AM

I used to tell people I was a Marine Engineer in the Canadian Navy. But when I have to put up with people telling me all their great ideas and waiting for me to go “WOW!!” and after learning that when my opinion is asked for, they only want their own opinion regurgitated, I now tell people that my job is to prop up my bosses fragile egos.

Posted by: simcoepl | July 09, 2007 at 08:56 AM

I make junk mail funny. (direct mail marketing)

Posted by: E | July 09, 2007 at 08:54 AM

It’s my job to find neat soloutions to problems that should never have existed in the first place.

Posted by: Danny | July 09, 2007 at 08:53 AM

I talk about literature with people so they can learn how to think more effectively and be more human.I love my job.

Posted by: Patrick | July 09, 2007 at 08:53 AM

I try to make better, faster turd(Lean Manufacturing Specialist)

Posted by: Memo G. | July 09, 2007 at 08:48 AM

I add insult to injury by making the wounded fill out ridiculously long forms. Then I make them sit nervously while I read comics on the internet.I’m a patient access rep. for the sports medicine department of a local hospital.

Posted by: Drew | July 09, 2007 at 08:42 AM

My job is to remain invisible.When I do my job perfectly, I am invisible. Nothing happens. Servers don’t crash. Services don’t fail. Users are not affected. The only time anyone in the whole company knows my name is when something stops working. Then they suddenly discover that not only do they know my name, but that they can scream it.

Posted by: functioning moral compass | July 09, 2007 at 08:32 AM

Jobs I’ve had:Answer the same question before it’s asked, after it’s asked, and as many times after that that it’s asked. (I used to work at a marina where we rented human-or-wind powered boats.)Labass(istant).Bit twiddler (image processing software).Moved squares around to the smallest legal physical size (chip designer, in the old days).

Supervised the redraw of schematic and layout for product that was destined to be cancelled (hardware “engineer”).

Recipient of others’ turds (test “engineer”). Motto: “We can make anything pass our tests (doesn’t mean it will work…)”

Recipient of verbal and almost physical abuse from the upside; multitudinous thanks from the downside (interpret how you want — I was a lead “engineer”).

Escapee. (There is a poem called “Season of Trilliums”, and the first line is “A fugitive from the work ethic” — not that I don’t believe in a solid work ethic, but I’ve been somewhat disillusioned and jaded. At times Dilbert worked at Nirvana Company. It kept me going to think that things were that much better somewhere else.)

Bum. (I suppose that word means more than one thing. My SU and I have taken turns supporting each other’s bum.)

Food dispenser and turd cleaner (mom).

Posted by: D | July 09, 2007 at 08:24 AM

Redwood, if you’re looking for a buzzword to use instead of “to create synergy with other turds” try “DIARRHOEA”

Posted by: Fat Controller | July 09, 2007 at 08:21 AM

I require piles of needless paperwork and money from the general public and in return, sit around longer than necessary, frustrate the hell out of them, and eventually produce something sort of resembling what they thought they wanted but really don’t now that I’ve changed it to suit my whim.I work for the govenment!(Urban Planner)

Posted by: Jenny | July 09, 2007 at 08:18 AM

My job was to listen to the unheard, explain it to the deaf and sell it to the stupid who don’t have the money to fully buy it. I was a “(software) business analyst”.I’m currently searching for another impressively titled turd position that pays a boat load of money so that I can buy the fanciest turds from the turd store to impress my family and friends so that they don’t think I’m a turd like everybody else.

Posted by: Chrisgiraffe’s alter ego | July 09, 2007 at 08:13 AM

Cat herder (TI Architect at a bank responsible for getting developers to code what the client wants instead of what will expand the developer’s resume).

Posted by: bank-bert | July 09, 2007 at 08:09 AM

It’s my job to hypnotize people from stage with my dashing good looks so that they do not recognize there are turds among the pearls I serve up, musically speaking.

Posted by: wes | July 09, 2007 at 08:04 AM

It is my job to wipe the lipstick off to show the pig. (Quality Assurance)

Posted by: Ryan W. | July 09, 2007 at 07:58 AM

It’s my job to write software to a specification that assumes that computers are sentient. Oh I wish I was a goldfish:a) Nothing to do all day but swim round and round
b) Short Lifespan

Posted by: John S | July 09, 2007 at 07:57 AM

I am the unassuming parasite that has dug in so deeply that it would actually cause more harm then good to remove me. Great strategy for employment based on your own terms.I am a Webmaster for a mid-sized company.

Posted by: David Huntley | July 09, 2007 at 07:50 AM

I write marketing stuff, i.e. I gild my clients’ turds so they glisten and sparkle in a way that makes their clients desire these bejewelled stinkers.Funny old world, ‘innit?

Posted by: Neil | July 09, 2007 at 07:49 AM

My job is to turn subordinates into robots.

Posted by: Matthew | July 09, 2007 at 07:45 AM

I’m a code crapper. (Software analyst)

Posted by: Benny | July 09, 2007 at 07:45 AM

I am a trial attorney, mostly for real estate and business disputes. I explain my client’s poor judgment as innocent mistakes, while the other side is motivated by malice and greed.–Stomper

Posted by: Stomper | July 09, 2007 at 07:43 AM

My job?
Is to translate specifications from one language to another with just enough accuracy to ensure that nobody questions my ability, but just enough inaccuracy to ensure that no one questions my necessity.P.S. Wally is my Jedi.
Tony

Posted by: tony | July 09, 2007 at 07:42 AM

I write software that enables chemists come up with new types of turd.

Posted by: B | July 09, 2007 at 07:42 AM

Sorry Scott, but being a conslutant turns to be impossible to write one-liner. Btw are you interested in buy a bridge?

Posted by: turd conslutant | July 09, 2007 at 07:42 AM

Deregulation of the turd bussiness was threatening its dominant market position. The turd was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the turd by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the turd use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the turd high developed standards, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best turds along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and
to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully
architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.
The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the turd’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.
Andersen Consulting helped the turds around the world change to become more successful.

Posted by: turd conslutant | July 09, 2007 at 07:40 AM

Same shit, different browser (Web Developer)

Posted by: Richard@Home | July 09, 2007 at 07:36 AM

I input meaningless invoices since the billed people tell us what they want to pay and we say OKAY! Then I credit and rebill the original invoice till the customer says they won’t pay for another reason and we say OKAY! Then I have to open 2 jobs to credit the credit, and rebill once again. Then our collections department tells us to remove the charge completely because the customer won’t pay since it’s been over 6 months since we did the job and the collections department said OKAY!

Posted by: Cathy | July 09, 2007 at 07:35 AM

Turd is as turd does. If I could bring a flush to work, the entire Australian continent could blame me for water shortage.

Posted by: Kate | July 09, 2007 at 07:31 AM

Deregulation of the turd bussiness was threatening its dominant market position. The turd was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the turd by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the turd use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the turd high developed standards, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best turds along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.
The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the turd’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the turds around the world change to become more successful.

Posted by: turd conslutant | July 09, 2007 at 07:26 AM

Deregulation of the turd bussiness was threatening its dominant market position. The turd was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the turd by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the turd use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the turd high developed standards, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best turds along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.
The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the turd’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the turds around the world change to become more successful.

Posted by: turd conslutant | July 09, 2007 at 07:25 AM

I help stupid people that blame me for their stupidness (client service professional).

Posted by: moi | July 09, 2007 at 07:24 AM

My job is finding turd and throw that in the face of my boss. After she throw this turd twice bigger than before in mine and I must fix it.
(Fixing bug in a software)

Posted by: Benoit | July 09, 2007 at 07:21 AM

Urban Renewal and Pest Control (B-52 Bomber pilot)

Posted by: Johnny Madison | July 09, 2007 at 07:19 AM

I spend my day sitting at my desk doing the same thing I did last month,the month before that, the month before that, and so on only to have my boss’s bosses arbitrarily drop turds on my head and tell me to wade through them all the while not missing any deadlines I’ve been given for my monthly responsibilities. (Staff Accountant)They do this to justify the fact that they get paid 5x my annual salary.

Posted by: NSA the Accounting Troll | July 09, 2007 at 07:15 AM

Job: co-opi create spreadsheets, run tests and gather information that no one else wants to.. only to find that it makes no difference on anything which is why it wasn’t done earlier.

Posted by: Katy | July 09, 2007 at 07:11 AM

I sit in a room and have people shovel turds into my head so I can receive a slip of paper that says I know something.
(BA Student)

Posted by: James R. Mitchener | July 09, 2007 at 07:08 AM

we don’t have titles on our team. so we’re allowed to come up with our own title and job description. here’s what i wrote: “~C4Chaos harnesses the power of the hyperlink and uses it for good.”in the spirit of humorously derogatory, i’ll re-write it like this: “~C4Chaos harnesses the power of the hyperlink and throws it around like a radioactive turd.”case in point: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysBKxHfKCcI
~C

Posted by: ~C4Chaos | July 09, 2007 at 07:05 AM

I’m a country architect in KY. A front porch design for three Maytag clothes washers w/ room for six coon dogs beneath, is a big job. (Was a pencil pusher, now a pixel puncher.)

Posted by: dayj | July 09, 2007 at 07:03 AM

I write custom software that spins motors which add oxygen to literal turds so the poopy water can be released back into the wild.

Posted by: Logan | July 09, 2007 at 07:02 AM

This is serious:I manufacture fake turds so that others can test new toilet designs.It’s really kind of gross when I think about it…but very funny because I can use “turd” and literally mean “turd”!

Posted by: Joshua J Scheid | July 09, 2007 at 07:02 AM

My job is to reassure poverty stricken mothers that their children have a chance at a better life, all while knowing there is no hope for them.(Social Worker)

Posted by: juliewman | July 09, 2007 at 06:58 AM

I purchase things the world doesn`t need.
(Purchasing assistant for decoration and gifts from China)

Posted by: Katja | July 09, 2007 at 06:58 AM

I take money from one person and give 60% of it to another.

Posted by: Patent Litigator | July 09, 2007 at 06:57 AM

Documentation Specialist at a Biotech:I am that cog in the corporate machine designed to slow the machine down.Cheers!Jake

Posted by: Jacob Cooper | July 09, 2007 at 06:55 AM

I work second tier tech support. My job is to clear the ignorance from the confused, whose job it is to clear the confusion from the ignorant.

Posted by: Chris Moxley | July 09, 2007 at 06:53 AM

I persuade kids that really it’s fun being wet, cold and scared out of their minds. (Sailing Instructor).

Posted by: Tillerman | July 09, 2007 at 06:52 AM

My job is to identify weak places in accounting procedures and provide recommendations on how to avoid mistakes and fraud.

Posted by: Seneschal | July 09, 2007 at 06:52 AM

I gather and organize vast quantities of useful information into comprehensible documentation that Field Engineers ignore at their peril.In other words, I process tasty turds for people who, for personal or religious reasons, do not eat them.So says Sheeda, Technical Writer

Posted by: Sheeda | July 09, 2007 at 06:44 AM

My job is to write bugs in application software for the QA team to find.

Posted by: Jim | July 09, 2007 at 06:42 AM

I fix the computers of people that shouldn’t be allowed to own computers.

Posted by: Rich | July 09, 2007 at 06:40 AM

Programmer/AnalystI create tools that take down information of what color customers want a turd painted and allow others to view that information for painting and long term planning. So when a customer wants a red turd a user thinks nobody would want red so they enter it as orange and than someone views that info but is low and orange so paints it yellow and someone that needs their budget increased ignores all the information my tool recorded and says it was painted gold.

Posted by: zellmo | July 09, 2007 at 06:39 AM

Officially, I’m a “Transportation Systems Administrator” (about 1/3 IT, 1/3 analyst, 1/3 administration).Politely, I’m the transportation geek – I handle all the number-crunching.Truthfully, I’m the director’s bitch – I do all the things that he doesn’t trust IT, the analysts or administration to do (or do quickly enough).

Posted by: A | July 09, 2007 at 06:39 AM

I try to prevent the turds from hitting the fan and, for the ones that inevitably do hit the fan, minimize the turd-splatter.I do this by keeping running metrics on turd output and the comparative size of the most effective turd-producing assholes.(Risk Manager)

Posted by: Jim | July 09, 2007 at 06:38 AM

I’m a student. And my job is to pay an institution large sums of money so the turds, they call teachers, can tell me to research on a topic that only has to do with what those turds love.

Posted by: Jason | July 09, 2007 at 06:37 AM

My job is to write bugs in application software for the QA team to find.

Posted by: Jim | July 09, 2007 at 06:37 AM

My job is to write bugs in application software for the QA team to find.

Posted by: Jim | July 09, 2007 at 06:37 AM

Version A: I make medical textbooks designed for military medical personnel.Version B: I take words and pictures put together by doctors and make them into something that looks like a book.Version C: I make big honkin’ tomes that sit on you doctor’s shelf to make him look smarter than he really is.

Posted by: Ibid | July 09, 2007 at 06:36 AM

I’m an IT manager, so I fix problems that someone with only half a brain could figure out how to solve, if they weren’t too lazy and/or technophobic to try. These problems are usually caused by said people.Short version: Muppet wrangler.

Posted by: Narshada | July 09, 2007 at 06:31 AM

My job is to sell a BMW to an idiot who’d rather buy a turd for the same price as my BMW.

Posted by: Darth Bolox | July 09, 2007 at 06:31 AM

I find ways of doing nothing faster and more efficiently.
-student

Posted by: Jack Lee | July 09, 2007 at 06:28 AM

I’m a surrogate journalist.(PR exec who writes copy that harrassed journalists publish as their own words)

Posted by: Andrew Denny | July 09, 2007 at 06:27 AM

I’m in marketing and my job is…Minister of Propaganda and Manipulation

Posted by: George | July 09, 2007 at 06:27 AM

My job is to say “Let’s kick this pig!” and let the inspired go do it.

Posted by: Telanis | July 09, 2007 at 06:20 AM

I pay for the priviledge of listening to old men drone, and sitting exams.

Posted by: mattpatt | July 09, 2007 at 06:18 AM

My job is to babysit the children (manager)

Posted by: Chris Honkala | July 09, 2007 at 06:16 AM

It’s my job to listen to the excrement spewing forth from a bunch of re-animated corpses, ingest it and then vomit it up and cover page after page of exam booklets which are then given a derisory glance and marked with a derogatory comment.(Full time student (medicine). However this explanation fits my previous occupation (fulltime law student) MUCH MUCH better)

Posted by: sambobly | July 09, 2007 at 06:14 AM

I listen to turds tell me their crap then I bake that crap into a tasty moist cake and spoon feed it to them.Consultant

Posted by: LA Clay | July 09, 2007 at 06:10 AM

I’m an “Advanced Problemsolver”. This usually involves people asking for me by name, even when there’s nothing really wrong, they just like the comfort of having me around.Therefore, I routinely describe what I do as this:”I make people feel good”.I tried using that once going through customs. They didn’t like it too well. :)

Posted by: Allan | July 09, 2007 at 06:08 AM

My job is to draw up plans for something that will not be built anything close to what is in those plans.-Civil Engineer, Transportation Design

Posted by: avidday | July 09, 2007 at 06:08 AM

Structural EngineerI take the pictures that architects draw of buildings and make them work so the buildings don’t fall down.

Posted by: Elliot | July 09, 2007 at 06:06 AM

I persuade people to believe that witnesses who say my turd is the one that ruined the victims shoes are wrong and instead there either was no turd related accident, it was another turd that caused the mess, or that it was the victims fault that he stepped in the turd.[Criminal Defense Attorney]

Posted by: DeleriumTremens | July 09, 2007 at 06:03 AM

On my resume: my job is to sort the corn bits from the peanut bits, from all the turds that fall into my inbox.

Posted by: bourbaki | July 09, 2007 at 05:56 AM

Network Systems Manager:”Make it go”

Posted by: Onezan | July 09, 2007 at 05:41 AM

It’s my job to fix, as quickly as possible, software that’s broken because its construction was rushed.

Posted by: Robin | July 09, 2007 at 05:39 AM

Production scientist:I make things before I know what clients want, to be sold to clients who’ll buy it before they know what they need.

Posted by: Johnboy | July 09, 2007 at 05:39 AM

Or perhaps Leveraging Synergy betweem Cross-Technology Platforms.

Posted by: Erik | July 09, 2007 at 05:38 AM

My job is to keep my boss happy by making her more money than I make.

Posted by: Erik | July 09, 2007 at 05:37 AM

I occupy a cubicle to ensure that my office does not lose the revenue from having a certain amount of employees on the payrole.(IE a Junior Adimistrative Assistant who delivers the 3 pieces of mail we get per week and prints up a few labels now and then.)(No I’m not bitter)

Posted by: Joelle | July 09, 2007 at 05:36 AM

I pretend that learning something can be accomplished simply by looking at pictures and listening to someone talk about the pictures.I represent a textbook publisher.

Posted by: Txtrpt | July 09, 2007 at 05:31 AM

I lie to impressionable teenagers that language skills are vital to their lives.
(High School English Teacher)

Posted by: Pat | July 09, 2007 at 05:24 AM

I’m a business analyst in consulting.In one sentence, I translate and coordinate between business and technical people working on a system.In one derogatory sentence, which is hard because I like my job and I think the people I work with are great:I provide a necessary logjam between people incapable of logical thought and people incapable of communication.But it’s not really like that. I work in an environment where no one has Dillbert posted on their wall. Two years ago I worked in an environment where we had collections. It’s much better this way.

Posted by: Julie | July 09, 2007 at 05:15 AM

My job is to take high school students who have no interest in turds, and show them lots of information about turds in such enthusastic ways that they begin to love turds and go on to study turdology.(High School Science teacher)

Posted by: Johno | July 09, 2007 at 05:15 AM

My title: Sr. Solutions ArchitectMy job: Help people come to emotional terms with technical problems and guide them to solutions that lead to increased compensation for me.

Posted by: Paul | July 09, 2007 at 05:07 AM

I tart up the internet.

Posted by: Adam | July 09, 2007 at 04:58 AM

My job is to generate weekly status reports.

Posted by: Marty the Dilbertian | July 09, 2007 at 04:56 AM

My job is to buy stuff cheaper for people who have no idea of the value of money and can’t count to 10 using both hands.
(Purchaser for the company’s marketing)

Posted by: Greg Wischnewsky | July 09, 2007 at 04:51 AM

It’s my job to show people how to create their own turd, grow their turd, then sell the turd to another turd who wants that turd to merge with another turd, or in many cases, wants it to actually protect another turd.Some times people with particular types of turds see my clients turds and want them for their collection, so I help my client strategically position their turd to achieve a great price.Sometimes I put lipstick on turds!

Posted by: Peter Christo | July 09, 2007 at 04:49 AM

My job is too be more useless than my superviser. (so that he looks useful in comparison)Praktikant

Posted by: Matthew Polk | July 09, 2007 at 04:49 AM

I run the world.(Office Administrative Assistant)

Posted by: Andrew | July 09, 2007 at 04:40 AM

I allow people who struggle with the instruction ‘please enter your name’ to apply for jobs with three times my salary.Recruitment admin monkey.

Posted by: Louisa | July 09, 2007 at 04:40 AM

I herd bits.Software Developer
(My -actual- title is Oracle Developer but that really has nothing to do with my job… I guess it’s better than being called a Moist Robot)

Posted by: Kevin | July 09, 2007 at 04:27 AM

I lie to idiots on behalf of morons.

Posted by: Mean Joe | July 09, 2007 at 04:20 AM

My job is to lie to people. Day in Day out.(Sales & Business Development)

Posted by: Himanshu | July 09, 2007 at 04:12 AM

Unemployed expat in Germany who spends hours daily reading Scott’s blog. Few english speaking jobs here, so thanks for the belly giggles.My former position was Exchange Admin making sure your e-mail was sent and blame cyberspace’s black hole when it didn’t deliver in less than a minute. Pick up the damn phone if it’s that urgent!Before that; Tech phone support. I took calls from frustrated end users and told them how to do their job because they were too lazy to check “Help” and get the answer themselves. While managing to not piss off the Queen Bitch manager who hated me because I was so good at it.

Posted by: techy | July 09, 2007 at 04:11 AM

IT Manager:Preventing colleagues from having a reason to do nothing all day long because of a tiny computer issue.Or more precise:
Not to get blamed for non-productive colleagues.

Posted by: Stuart | July 09, 2007 at 04:07 AM

‘I do what I’m told and make tea’
- recent college graduate turned office monkey.

Posted by: csj | July 09, 2007 at 04:05 AM

I play a game that lets me separate suckers and their money, and then get to hear how cool I am from everyone around me. :)

Posted by: Richard N | July 09, 2007 at 04:04 AM

“I help people live their dreams…if they can afford it”

Posted by: LA Clay | July 09, 2007 at 04:04 AM

I write financial derivatives pricing software. But what I really do is…….
“Provide random odds to coked up gamblers”

Posted by: Mark Green | July 09, 2007 at 04:01 AM

I make people feel bad about their work.Quality Assurance Tester

Posted by: Pontus Persson | July 09, 2007 at 04:00 AM

Jell-O Juggler.That is, IT production support manager for a large application. Sometimes I find myself forced to fling the Jell-O at people who’s ties curl funny. I am deadly accurate.

Posted by: Sidelobe | July 09, 2007 at 03:58 AM

to do stuff with things

Posted by: spacetimeflux | July 09, 2007 at 03:56 AM

another try: I take what people have written and translate it into the language they thought they were writing it in! (proofreader)

Posted by: suprchick | July 09, 2007 at 03:49 AM

Online Data Analyst: I prove the saying, lies damn lies and statistics.Though for me it should really beLies, Damn Lies and Daily reports.
By the way, if you read my last post, this is a fun way for you to find out what carreers you dilbert readers typically have. And get more material for your cartoons.

Posted by: Rob | July 09, 2007 at 03:48 AM

I’m an overpaid graffitti artist.[Third party verification agent who gets to write on walls during the course of inpsecting ships]

Posted by: john preston | July 09, 2007 at 03:36 AM

I keep people from sounding as idiotic as they really are/ I help people say what they meant instead of what they thought up….Proofreader

Posted by: suprchick | July 09, 2007 at 03:34 AM

my job is to be 80% rounder for a group of accumulators and 20% accumulator for a group of rounders

Posted by: magwai | July 09, 2007 at 03:33 AM

Bemopolis:
>It’s my job to take an unintelligible mess and turn it into something a retarded marmoset could follow (I’m a technical writer).Me, too – but I’m a high school chemistry teacher.

Posted by: Steve | July 09, 2007 at 03:24 AM

I teach kids to be evil……apparently! (I make video games)

Posted by: Karl | July 09, 2007 at 03:19 AM

My job can’t even be described in a Dilbert strip – readers would think the author had lost it..

Posted by: Dreaming of retirement | July 09, 2007 at 03:01 AM

My job is to look at data and then present obvious information to people who think I’ve just translated the Rosetta Stone.

Posted by: Craig Masson | July 09, 2007 at 02:57 AM

I’m soon to become (this academic year) a university student reading Computer Science. In other words one day, God willing, I too will learn how to make turds.

Posted by: John Lapinskas | July 09, 2007 at 02:53 AM

My job title is R&D software developer, I pretend to be finding a way to develop great software, they pretend to be selling it.

Posted by: CDriK | July 09, 2007 at 02:49 AM

I make addictive lubricant so my coleagues think they need it to crap easily and our boss thinks he need it to control all easily.

Posted by: T.G. | July 09, 2007 at 02:44 AM

I convince people they don’t actually look like turds.
(photographer)

Posted by: pierre | July 09, 2007 at 02:40 AM

I write software that allows wankers to pay for their smut.
At least I can say that I work in the adult industry.. its a great ice-breaker..

Posted by: William | July 09, 2007 at 02:40 AM

At the moment, my job is to test things I don’t understand.

Posted by: Massif | July 09, 2007 at 02:39 AM

Making sure stupid people stay in the gene pool (lifeguard)

Posted by: nick | July 09, 2007 at 02:39 AM

I work in human Resources. I have given my self the title of Director of Personnel Effeciency (D.O.P.E). This of course means that I do no have to be effecient myself. I hope that taking advice from a cartoon cat (Catbert) is a good carrier tactic.

Posted by: SPC Jeremy Mitchell | July 09, 2007 at 02:39 AM

Move stuff from the back of the shelf to the front of the shelf.Because, you know, you NEED the stuff at the front.

Posted by: Scratch | July 09, 2007 at 02:37 AM

Um.I’m paid to spend most of the day looking out of the office window.(Pilot)

Posted by: Paul | July 09, 2007 at 02:25 AM

My job is to call people who know what they are doing and ask them what they are doing (Incident Management)

Posted by: carl | July 09, 2007 at 02:07 AM

“”Polish this turd” is funnier. “Spray paint” doesn’t necessarily mean improve, and kind of makes no sense.”Nah, ‘spray paint’ has a better rhythm. Flows nicer. And neither really relate to improvement; it’s about making it look pretty. A polished turd is still a turd, just shiny; a spray painted turd could be, I dunno, like sparkly or something. I know I’d buy that.

Posted by: ipsissimusclay | July 09, 2007 at 02:05 AM

I help people make bad decisions.

Posted by: ShaunL | July 09, 2007 at 02:04 AM

I show people how beautiful the Earth could be without their freaking presence.Mountain Landscape Photographer/Climber

Posted by: Dmitry Z | July 09, 2007 at 02:03 AM

I wash water. No, really, it’s what I do.I’m a water engineer.

Posted by: Gala | July 09, 2007 at 01:40 AM

It’s my job to get down and push the ‘vehicle’ when it breaks down.(I work as the support crew, Naval Academy)

Posted by: sailor | July 09, 2007 at 01:28 AM

It’s my job to read dilbert blog and post comments on it.

Posted by: sak_gatane | July 09, 2007 at 01:21 AM

I try to decide the difference between what you asked for and what you need and then try to provide you with what i think will do the job better for you. (software developer)

Posted by: Jonathan Allen | July 09, 2007 at 01:12 AM

I sing what guys are too chicken to be saying to their girlfriends.(so they can buy the cd and give it to their girlfriend instead)

Posted by: Oliver | July 09, 2007 at 01:10 AM

I wear a tuxedo and smash metal plates into each other. (Musician)

Posted by: Josh | July 09, 2007 at 01:05 AM

Creativity and Positivism is key in a job. Armand Rousso

Posted by: Armand rousso | July 09, 2007 at 12:59 AM

I bend turds with my mind.
“There is no turd.”Windows Technical Support

Posted by: Dennis H | July 09, 2007 at 12:51 AM

Doing a job that nobody wants to do for quarter the amount of pay. (Technical Writer for an outsourced company in India)

Posted by: Chandrika | July 09, 2007 at 12:37 AM

My job is to gather my own straw–but let not the tale of bricks be minished aught.(I’m a hospital orderly; the management, enthusiastic over Fish! Philosophy as the latest demeaning gimmick to manipulate their disgruntled workforce into synthetic morale, announced in a newsletter that if we chose to provide “extraordinary care,” we could do so–”regardless of your abundance or lack of resources.” In other words, those filthy parasitic fucks set us up to fail, and then tell us it’s because we’re not clapping loudly enough.)

Posted by: Kevin Carson | July 09, 2007 at 12:31 AM

My job is to go to strange peoples houses and take their money……of course they get a pizza in return, but… that wouldn’t have sounded as funny…
…also, one day, I plan for my job to be to create mind-draining applications people will buy for themselves and their loved ones…that’s Video Games for those who don’t get it…

Posted by: David G | July 09, 2007 at 12:30 AM

It’s my job to make sure the person who sells that turd can take a turd in peace. EA to MD

Posted by: Scruncher | July 09, 2007 at 12:30 AM

When people screw up and will get fired, I make sure they get congratulated and promoted instead.In fact due to this I help to keep stupid people in management positions, giving Scott Adams more material for Dilbert. Do I get commision?(I am a pilot for a company that moves low volumes of things people have basically forgotten to order until way too late. It costs a lot more than the things we move are actually worth, but a lot less than shutting down the production line)

Posted by: Random | July 09, 2007 at 12:22 AM

Stats Monkey

Posted by: Bob | July 09, 2007 at 12:09 AM

I pretend to know more than my employees.

Posted by: Andreas Toscano | July 09, 2007 at 12:02 AM

Java Developer: My job is to eat the turd produced by the management and poop the turd for dogbert to spray paint.

Posted by: Sandip | July 08, 2007 at 11:57 PM

I help people realize that they did in fact have a very specific idea of what they wanted.(graphic designer)…oh, and I’m also a suicide interventionist to a 6 month old…

Posted by: Jo | July 08, 2007 at 11:45 PM

I get paid to bully young children.

Posted by: Macy | July 08, 2007 at 11:40 PM

My job is to sell gluttony.(I work at a cinema. Every cinema’s primary goal, for interesting industry reasons, is to sell popcorn, candy, and other snacks to the moviegoers. The more the better. The most important words you can say are: “Would you like to get the large combo tub for just a dollar more?” We survive by convincing people that they should consume more than they really need.)

Posted by: DG | July 08, 2007 at 11:30 PM

Mail goes here, mail goes there, repeat for 30 years.-Postal clerk

Posted by: Michael | July 08, 2007 at 11:26 PM

I work in fast food.
My job is to feed fattening food to already obese people.
As a manager its my job to field complaints from disgruntled customers. Its comforting to know that I’m helping my customers die as they gripe about their fried food being to greasy.

Posted by: Ishmael | July 08, 2007 at 11:23 PM

Having no free will

Posted by: uskshop | July 08, 2007 at 11:18 PM

I am a dumb person trying to find people who are dumber than me so that I become rich.— I am a MBA student

Posted by: Yusuf | July 08, 2007 at 11:09 PM

I spend my days surrounded by the greatest writing and wisdom ever immortalized in ink (mixed with some of the smelliest turds ever packed onto a page) so I can help the customers who walk past travel, computers, cooking, reference, and science, only to ask me where nonfiction is.I am a bookseller.Please kill me.

Posted by: thisdaydreamer | July 08, 2007 at 11:08 PM

find fault with other’s job and get paid for it. the tough part comes when things go wrong afterwards.. thats when i stand between hell and everybody else and when i am reminded that payback’s bitch.

Posted by: observer | July 08, 2007 at 10:53 PM

whacking a fuzzy green rubber ball, with a club that looks a lot like an uptight anal retentive butterfly net, back and forth across and over a rectangular nylon net at an opponent similarly equipped with said club, for the amusement of spectators who could be using their copius free time curing cancer, feeding the hungry, planting forests, writing blog entries and watching bimbo eruptions carrying on like human train wrecks on television.call me Federer

Posted by: Kevin Kunreuther | July 08, 2007 at 10:38 PM

If you take an infinite amount of monkeys and typewriters, one of them will write shakespear. Scientist tried to recreate this with only a finite amount and found that they rather peed in the keyboard and flung feces at each other instead of writing shakespear.I’m paid not to pee in my keyboard.
(software developer)

Posted by: Mark | July 08, 2007 at 10:32 PM

I shovel opaque stuff… (coder)

Posted by: Ganesh | July 08, 2007 at 10:30 PM

I am a machine for converting caffeine and emotional abuse into research publications (i.e. grad student)

Posted by: Mike | July 08, 2007 at 10:22 PM

It’s my job to tell people they can’t spend money they thought they had.-gov’t analyst

Posted by: Mike | July 08, 2007 at 10:18 PM

I could tell you what I do…..But then I’d have to kill you.Or at least knock the turd out of you.
http://boskolives.wordpress.com/

Posted by: jerry w. | July 08, 2007 at 10:09 PM

I am a hyena. I go around and clean up all the scraps while everyone take turns running me down to bite me in the ass.

Posted by: Steve | July 08, 2007 at 10:08 PM

Bossing around inferior pieces of microelectronics…(Computer Programmer)

Posted by: Attie Naude | July 08, 2007 at 10:05 PM

Making impossible things possible. I’d do almost anything to make clients happy.- Client Relationship Manager -

Posted by: Raven | July 08, 2007 at 09:57 PM

BY DAY: If it’s outside everyone else’s job description, it’s now mine (Office Administrator).BY NIGHT: Accumulating the stories that will one day pepper my best-selling biography (yes, I’m a real-life whore [they said "do what you love"])

Posted by: anonymous | July 08, 2007 at 09:54 PM

By speaking in a non-comprehensible manner (to my audience), my job is to enthuse those present to want to describe the turd in a second language – Native English speaker teaching ESL in Asia.

Posted by: EBS | July 08, 2007 at 09:49 PM

Its my job to insult your intelligence.Job: Copy-editor

Posted by: Dom | July 08, 2007 at 09:42 PM

This is from my earlier career days, when a group of us were in a software testing assignment where most of the time we were running scripts that someone else had developed. We invented a title for ourselves – “Carriage Return Executive”.

Posted by: Manoj | July 08, 2007 at 09:41 PM

My job is the non-filtered intake of as much of the human knowledge base, focusing on engineering, as possible while still maintaining a part-time job, my sanity, and my bank balance.

Posted by: Matthew | July 08, 2007 at 09:29 PM

I take pictures of the unlucky and the stupidx-ray tech

Posted by: tom | July 08, 2007 at 09:23 PM

I add value to air.

Posted by: Dave K. | July 08, 2007 at 09:22 PM

My job is to interfere with (human) natural selection.Paramedic

Posted by: Medic3 | July 08, 2007 at 09:16 PM

I buggerise around with numbers.Accountant.

Posted by: Paul | July 08, 2007 at 09:15 PM

My job: I clean strange residues.Lab Assistant (Science Department)

Posted by: Monkey | July 08, 2007 at 09:15 PM

I quantify how bad is bad, precisely. I work in risk for an insurance company.

Posted by: Ben | July 08, 2007 at 08:50 PM

I take specs, write bugs, release, and then I squish the little critters when users find them. Rinse and repeat keeps me employed. Bugs aren’t just for crops and gardens.

Posted by: Reno | July 08, 2007 at 08:44 PM

I’m a bugfucker.
(honeybee queen breeder)

Posted by: Gleetnorx | July 08, 2007 at 08:39 PM

I make doctors feel dumb.(I’m a software trainer for physicians, and in all seriousness they are amazing at what they do)

Posted by: John Doe | July 08, 2007 at 08:36 PM

My job is to fulfill the improbable yet charmingly optimistic claims of our sales guy.

Posted by: MarkH | July 08, 2007 at 08:28 PM

It’s my job to keep high school students and teachers from abusing me

Posted by: Kanon | July 08, 2007 at 08:26 PM

I sit in a jungle and organize the personal and professional life of a certifiably insane woman.
I’m a PR intern in a home office…in an apartment…with 2 trees and numerous other plants. My boss is nuts and regularly asks me if she has eaten yet that day as well as babbling about her personal life.

Posted by: Amanda | July 08, 2007 at 08:24 PM

I sniff gas.
(i.e. I walk pipeline to make sure it doesn’t leak).

Posted by: Dave | July 08, 2007 at 08:23 PM

I show people how to figure out which toilet requires the plunger. Then I show them how to use the plunger. (TOC consultant)

Posted by: Kevin Kohls | July 08, 2007 at 08:21 PM

My job is to amuse and delight.I’m a children’s book illustrator.I draw stuff.Marilyn.

Posted by: Marilyn Scott-Waters | July 08, 2007 at 08:20 PM

Posted by Neil:”Polish this turd” is funnier. “Spray paint” doesn’t necessarily mean improve, and kind of makes no sense.
-> Neil, while I completely agree with you on the choice of words, you have obviously never worked in marketing, if you believe that he was looking for a word to describe “improvement.”

Posted by: Falco | July 08, 2007 at 08:06 PM

My job is to feed people’s caffeine addiction.-Your local coffee shop server

Posted by: Daniel Blokzyl | July 08, 2007 at 08:06 PM

Writing software for people that are confused if they need it to begin with, is what I do; promotion here implies going from creating unwanted software to creating requirements for that unwanted software ( in other words selling ice to Inuits).

Posted by: v kap | July 08, 2007 at 07:58 PM

Student- I learn about the turd.

Posted by: Dylan | July 08, 2007 at 07:57 PM

My job will be to pinch stuff up your natural holes!
(Doctor)
(I also don’t think it’s the most significant part but it’s funnier – 80% is good enough! =p)

Posted by: Fred | July 08, 2007 at 07:56 PM

My job title is;Consultant Information ManagementWhat more can I say?

Posted by: Free William | July 08, 2007 at 07:52 PM

I herd cats.(Pastor)

Posted by: Matt Parkins | July 08, 2007 at 07:51 PM

County Welfare Eligibility Worker:My job is to help people accept that life isn’t going to get any better.

Posted by: CosmicDog | July 08, 2007 at 07:45 PM

Asok’s job, except I envy him.

Posted by: Christian P | July 08, 2007 at 07:42 PM

I spend my mornings with druggies, drunks, and thieves, and my afternoons with even worse company – editors. Oh, and I earn my living from misfortunes of others.Cops and courts reporter

Posted by: matt | July 08, 2007 at 07:42 PM

A monkey could do my job and he’d work for bananas.

Posted by: Paul | July 08, 2007 at 07:40 PM

You know when they say “…so you have a PhD, just don’t touch anything…?”.Well, I come in after they do it anyway.

Posted by: mike | July 08, 2007 at 07:37 PM

I draw pictures of trees and hope that someday, somebody will plant them. (Landscape Architect / CAD Monkey)

Posted by: GeoffK | July 08, 2007 at 07:37 PM

I am a stress encapsulation machine. I take monumental amounts of physical and mental stress and bottle them inside myself so that terrible things don’t happen.NoPantsJim
(Air Traffic Controller)

Posted by: NoPantsJim | July 08, 2007 at 07:24 PM

I try to get people to agree and if they can’t, I tell them who won–sometimes neither one. (Judge)

Posted by: Bill Owings | July 08, 2007 at 07:18 PM

I’m a software developer… my business card LITERALLY says “I build stuff.”

Posted by: Scott Mayfield | July 08, 2007 at 07:13 PM

My job is to blame George Bush for everything while I neglect my Constitutional duty. Hey, I have only two hands. One page, one intern. Do the math.

Posted by: Your Congressman | July 08, 2007 at 07:13 PM

“Polish this turd” is funnier. “Spray paint” doesn’t necessarily mean improve, and kind of makes no sense.

Posted by: Neil | July 08, 2007 at 07:12 PM

My job consists of obeying the strange whims of corporate managers who have never actually had to do my job while simultaneously trying to cope with customers intent on tearing apart the sales displays.

Posted by: Tony Meyer | July 08, 2007 at 07:12 PM

Having no free will, I merely react to stimuli as a good moist robot must. My relationship with anything fecal is ordained.

Posted by: Radwaste | July 08, 2007 at 07:08 PM

“Spray paint the turd” – Bu wah ha ha! It’s so perfect – who can trump that??!?My job is to housetrain the herd.[Mother to 3, wife to 1]

Posted by: Lisa | July 08, 2007 at 07:06 PM

When I was in charge of “Research” in an IT organization, I really can’t described my job. Essentially, I try to fix things that no one else knows how to fix. I know what is not my job: “If I know what I am doing, I am not doing my job.”Guess that was the best excuse for goofing off.

Posted by: canajian | July 08, 2007 at 07:02 PM

My job is to teach people how to convince someone to buy nothing but a sense of self-satisfaction.I’m a supervisor at my school’s department of raising money from alumni via telephone.My job is to convince people that they should pay tuition every year for the rest of their lives.

Posted by: Erik | July 08, 2007 at 06:58 PM

I gain knowledge through playing with pens and paper and listening to older people blabber.

Posted by: annie | July 08, 2007 at 06:52 PM

I gain knowledge through playing with pens and baby and listening to older people blabber.

Posted by: annie | July 08, 2007 at 06:51 PM

Technical Writer:
My job is to write gibberish that no one will ever read.

Posted by: Spaceman | July 08, 2007 at 06:49 PM

I fix engineers fuck-ups.

Posted by: Dudeman | July 08, 2007 at 06:49 PM

My job is to talk in other people’s sleep: College professor.

Posted by: wapentake | July 08, 2007 at 06:48 PM

Wonderful post as always, Scott.

Posted by: Kevin Fairchild | July 08, 2007 at 06:42 PM

I’m a turd herder.
(industry slang for licensed plumber)
(actually, I’m a pipefighter with a turd herding license, but seeing all the turd comments, I couldn’t resist)
D. Mented
(whack it with a hammer – that’ll fix it)

Posted by: D. Mented | July 08, 2007 at 06:33 PM

I have to tell people what they think they want is not really what they want, and then tell other people what they want to do is not what they should do, and then tell other people that they should do something even though they want to do nothing. Then I go home.

Posted by: Systems Analyst | July 08, 2007 at 06:23 PM

If I needed to be as concise as possible, I’d stateI fix what you broke.But to be truly accurate, I’d need to instead stateI repeatedly fix what you repeatedly break.::: IT Director

Posted by: Wayne | July 08, 2007 at 06:20 PM

Independent Test Analyst: my job is to throw the turds back at the software supplier, and charge my client like a wounded bull for delaying his project.

Posted by: John-NZ | July 08, 2007 at 06:11 PM

I take pills from big bottles, put them into smaller bottles, and sell them to you for a small profit.(Pharmacist)

Posted by: Michael Webb | July 08, 2007 at 06:05 PM

I’m a software developer. My job is to pretend to be passionate about a product that will never capture significant market share.

Posted by: macuga | July 08, 2007 at 06:03 PM

my job is to solve problems by making things more pretty. (website and graphic design)i’m studying to make things pretty that don’t really need to be pretty (industrial design)

Posted by: Andrew Harrison | July 08, 2007 at 06:02 PM

My job is to farm nerds.(technology transfer)

Posted by: zachary king | July 08, 2007 at 06:00 PM

About multiple intelligences -Individual abilities or skills aren’t the same as intelligences. They are what the experts call “domains” and require the use of several intelligences. Independent manifestation of the separate intelligences has not been observed or described – it would go against the nature of the science/philosophy as devised by Howard Gardner.Scott, for example, uses several intelligences to create the comic strip, including linguistic, spatial, logical, interpersonal, intra-personal and probably existentialist.The difference between rounders and accumulators is, then, probably a combination of intrapersonal, existentialist, and logical intelligence.

Posted by: tubaguy | July 08, 2007 at 05:55 PM

its my job to listen and be commanded by the senseless babling of idiots

Posted by: mike | July 08, 2007 at 05:55 PM

Professional web-surfer.(Train-announcer. I work less than 5% of each shift.)

Posted by: Mat | July 08, 2007 at 05:24 PM

Shit Kicker First Class (IT Guy and “can you fix this” Guy)

Posted by: Zoctar | July 08, 2007 at 05:23 PM

nerd enablerI’m a band director and marching band show designer, and I’m really quite good at it, but we’re still nerds – AND LOVE IT!My daughter’s color guard solo can be found by looking for “color guard solo black parade” on google video.She’s nerd enabled! We’re all going to the Harry Potter midnight premier.

Posted by: tubaguy | July 08, 2007 at 05:21 PM

Perhaps I should have put more thought into this before posting…At my first job, working in the fridge factory, I described my job thusly:I screw all day and every two hours I change positions.

Posted by: Becky | July 08, 2007 at 05:16 PM

Life actuary: I model lifetimes, savings patterns, and bonds.

Posted by: meep | July 08, 2007 at 05:16 PM

i deliver food that is probably lethal to people that deserve to die for not tipping

Posted by: Will | July 08, 2007 at 05:06 PM

Killer of sheep

Posted by: hobit | July 08, 2007 at 04:54 PM

Ah, almost forgot:I also wiggle my fingers for profit.(but only if the piano is in tune)

Posted by: Becky | July 08, 2007 at 04:51 PM

“I do the bidding of my master”Does it really matter what I do?? This is what all of us (the unlucky ones anyway) do.I’m a planning engineer by the way.

Posted by: JPScott | July 08, 2007 at 04:48 PM

I turn pages for a living.(I scan books for www.archive.org )

Posted by: Becky | July 08, 2007 at 04:46 PM

Java Programmer for a fortune 500 janitorial supply company:Urinal Cake ShillSometimes I tell people my job is to convert caffeine into code….JAVA into java.

Posted by: Anonymous Coward | July 08, 2007 at 04:45 PM

The second part of the Quality Manager’s job is to make sure that the other Quality authroities don’t find out that the turd IS just painted.

Posted by: Tutu | July 08, 2007 at 04:42 PM

As a sound engineer (my main job) I sit behind the mixing board and prevent the band from sucking too much.As a baseball umpire I stand on the field and get yelled at for two or so hours.

Posted by: Neal Miskin | July 08, 2007 at 04:42 PM

Poet.My job is to crash on your couch (just for a few days, I promise) until I scrape together enough money to tide me over.Alternatively: Would you like fries with that?

Posted by: Arkady | July 08, 2007 at 04:41 PM

I’m a Comedy Magician so… My job is to try and make people temporarily forget all the turds in their lives by showing them some crappy tricks.

Posted by: Scott | July 08, 2007 at 04:40 PM

I house mental patients in transit while administering hand jobs with a smilethat is to sayI am a hotel desk clerk

Posted by: lastangelman | July 08, 2007 at 04:39 PM

I’m a Quality Manager in an Aerospace company… It’s my job to make sure that turd isn’t just painted.

Posted by: Tutu | July 08, 2007 at 04:39 PM

Solving PEBKACs.

Posted by: Jeff Asselin | July 08, 2007 at 04:36 PM

It’s complicated. Go back to sleep.

Posted by: Kevin Kunreuther | July 08, 2007 at 04:35 PM

I heard geeky cats.-or-I am a translator between those without appropriate social skills.(IT Project Manager)

Posted by: Anthony | July 08, 2007 at 04:31 PM

Software tester
My job is to shatter my teammates feelings of accomplishment

Posted by: Aengus | July 08, 2007 at 04:24 PM

Student:
I pretend to supposedly learn things

Posted by: Adrian | July 08, 2007 at 04:24 PM

I take the information you already know, rearrange it on a different piece of paper and then tell you to write a check (tax accountant). Or to put it another way, I try to convince the IRS that poop is a different color than it actually is.

Posted by: Fury. | July 08, 2007 at 04:19 PM

stay at home motherMy job is to turn wild monkeys into the next leaders of the world

Posted by: Kisha | July 08, 2007 at 04:10 PM

It’s even simpler than that. Rounders are naturally happy people, the rounding away is their justification for not minding their problems. Accumulators are naturally unhappy, they account for their unhappiness by accumulation. It’s all just chemistry.
Girlatheist, how do you keep going? Still, respect.Boblock: Software Developer
“I turn poop into deluxe poop”
BTW, re: your last post. Noisebot sells t-shirts, the last thing you see is “You are awesome and we love you”. It’s practically their tagline. I like Noisebot.Scott, I would like to hear more about how you use hypnotic techniques while writing. A willing subject is patient and compliant, readers are infamously attention-deficit and contrary.

Posted by: Boblock | July 08, 2007 at 04:09 PM

In my last job, it was my responsibility to come in every day and make sure my computer still worked.

Posted by: Drone74A | July 08, 2007 at 04:09 PM

It’s my job to pull meat.(Sandwich maker at Jimmy John’s)

Posted by: Clarence Rubin | July 08, 2007 at 04:05 PM

As a manger, if I’m doing actual productive work, then I’m not doing my job.

Posted by: Dan | July 08, 2007 at 03:57 PM

I’ll post about my job later. I wanted to thank you for posting the responses out your critics. Not every response here is nice adn I know you moderate them. It’s refreshing to see you let all views come through.I wish Fox news could take a hint. That makes me think, I wish I was in England 5 years ago. Fox hunting was legal.Cheers!!PS: My job – Supply Chains Consultant:
Description:- I’m a firefighter.

Posted by: Nadkarni | July 08, 2007 at 03:55 PM

Baby Sitter.(Oracle database Admistrator baby sitting the database, developers and managers).

Posted by: Glenn | July 08, 2007 at 03:30 PM

Niiiiiiiiice……..
by the way, the comic
strip is great !———————–
http://href.hu/x/2sv1

Posted by: vasco | July 08, 2007 at 03:30 PM

I am a PR consultant – “I get people in the newspaper, or keep them out of the newspaper, depending on what they’ve done.”This will annoy real PR consultants, and make the crap ones nod and smile.

Posted by: Rex | July 08, 2007 at 03:30 PM

I produce numbers for doctors to misinterpret(Medical Laboratory Scientist)Ian

Posted by: Ian Tompson | July 08, 2007 at 03:25 PM

I could run away and join the circus, but I am already a 60K a year payed clown in a costume. (Police)

Posted by: Jeremy | July 08, 2007 at 03:25 PM

I do two jobs, so I’ll gladly describe them both:As a software developer, I try to be the part of the team which doesn’t cause our clients’ clients any unneeded trauma.As a computer sciences lecturer, it is my duty to help people learn how to develop the turd(s).

Posted by: Aki | July 08, 2007 at 03:22 PM

I am an IT Project Manager at a publically traded company in a post Sarbannes-Oxley world. My job is to keep the auditors busy while the developers finish the system.

Posted by: TF Ozone | July 08, 2007 at 03:22 PM

Watching the lunatics take over the asylum – otherwise known as a teacher.

Posted by: jcahopwood | July 08, 2007 at 03:21 PM

My job is to make 3D pictures so people would imagine what their product could look like (but won’t).It’s kinda like spraying the turd in 3D…

Posted by: Borjan | July 08, 2007 at 03:08 PM

just kidding about the killing thing.I work at a desk on a stupid software database program…it’s like arm-wrestling the devil. With a mouse.

Posted by: Pirate | July 08, 2007 at 03:01 PM

My job is to kill people.

Posted by: Pirate | July 08, 2007 at 02:57 PM

Managment Consultant:To give you plausible deniability when we do the things you wanted to do anyway.

Posted by: HMM | July 08, 2007 at 02:55 PM

I programmed realtime financial trading software.
I spent a total of 15 minutes/day tweaking the
parser and massaging the quote condition handler
to convert 100 stock exchanges of raw, steaming
quote and trade data into one big throbbing
stream for our clients, then slept it off for
the last 7:45 til I could go home.

Posted by: CyclingInvestor | July 08, 2007 at 02:52 PM

My long description is that I work with attorneys to formulate compelling and persuasive trial strategies and then organize and condense the evidence to create a compelling argument to present to the judge or jury. My official title is Litigation Support Multimedia Specialist.I tell people that I am a snake handler.

Posted by: Phelps | July 08, 2007 at 02:50 PM

I run sheep dip sessions to convince customers that our stuff is the best.

Posted by: Mike | July 08, 2007 at 02:50 PM

Lawyer: I take a simple two way promise and turn it into several complicated one way promises which neither party can understand or hope to perform.

Posted by: ish | July 08, 2007 at 02:48 PM

I’m a management consultant. I interview the employees who know what the solutions are, type it in a report with my company’s name on it, and sell it to the managers of the people who already knew what to do in the first place.

Posted by: incredipete | July 08, 2007 at 02:44 PM

My job is to step on the turd (And see if it stays in shape)

Posted by: DanteSS3 | July 08, 2007 at 02:42 PM

My job is to soothe the ruffled egos of design engineers, by making it appear I am the clueless one, by asking questions about their totally unbuildable design, and suggest ways that it can actually be built. So, I guess I could be called a mushroom, kept in the dark and buried in poop.

Posted by: Moriarty | July 08, 2007 at 02:39 PM

I am a Financial Services Analyst. I watch numbers fluctuate all day.

Posted by: Niko | July 08, 2007 at 02:37 PM

================
I have only one special skill.
I can look at complicated situations and
pluck out the thing that matters.
================Everyone thinks they can do this. The fact that you also think so highly of yourself means precisely nothing.Your false belief is exemplified by your expositions on complex matters of foreign policy, and your deranged insistance that elections always boil down to who is tall with good hair, despite the fact that GWB has been your president for over six years. Among many other things.You have only one noticeable skill, and that is that you really enjoy cutting down other people, and can do it with only a small amount of space to work with.So let me describe your “job” and you tell me what you think:

>>Scott draws compact insults — poorly.

Go.

Posted by: Jim | July 08, 2007 at 02:36 PM

I work as a planner for a manufacturing company. My job in one sentence:To make the sales teams lies reality.Funnily enough, it works out most of the time!

Posted by: Amused Aussie | July 08, 2007 at 02:34 PM

I collect and catalog other people’s trash….(Archaeologist/Curator)

Posted by: TLN | July 08, 2007 at 02:34 PM

Intern- I am forced to do work that should have been done by bosses who can push it to me while taking vacations with their huge salaries versus my 8.50 an hour.

Posted by: Doh | July 08, 2007 at 02:29 PM

My job is to do what’s told to me while simultaneously telling the speaker why it can’t be done. (software engineer). :)

Posted by: DML | July 08, 2007 at 02:27 PM

I’m an embedded software security specialist.I lock the bathroom stall to protect my company from turd burglars.

Posted by: Dave | July 08, 2007 at 02:26 PM

My job is to explain to skunks why it’s in their own self-interest not to spray the foxes who want to eat them, or the humans who want to taxidermy their tails and leave the rest of their bodies to rot on the highway.

Posted by: Robby | July 08, 2007 at 02:22 PM

My job is to surround myself with people who are far above and far below my level of competency.

Posted by: Matthew Kovich | July 08, 2007 at 02:15 PM

My job is to babysit children from ages 16 to 60.(I supervise the front end at a grocery store.)

Posted by: Allan | July 08, 2007 at 02:14 PM

Air quantity.

Posted by: chautauqua | July 08, 2007 at 02:12 PM

I clean viruses and reinstall windows xp everywhere, being paid for it.

Posted by: berberech0 | July 08, 2007 at 02:10 PM

My job is to make people cry.(Among other things, I videotape weddings, transfer old movies to DVD, create video montages set to sappy music. If I can get an emotional reaction–particularly tears–I’ve done my job)

Posted by: Rich | July 08, 2007 at 02:09 PM

I perform two jobs. One is to stop my DFU’s (dumb users) from breaking relational integrity in spite of the best help from my DFC’s (dumb coders). My other is to get paid by the hour for cleaning broken relational integrity.Ethical integrity, on the other hand, is the job of my HR manager.

Posted by: Azi | July 08, 2007 at 02:06 PM

(Nurse)
My job is to care more about and work harder to improve the health of somebody else than they are willing to do themselves.

Posted by: rockeye | July 08, 2007 at 01:58 PM

Its my job to look lean while pretending to work hard.

Posted by: Klaus | July 08, 2007 at 01:58 PM

My job is to make money out of the source code that some bored freak from another country made for me and published on google for an even easier access (Programmer)

Posted by: IGC | July 08, 2007 at 01:53 PM

Secretary: My job is to chase around the boys in my office and clean up after them. Closely related, I imagine, to a mom.

Posted by: Jennifer | July 08, 2007 at 01:47 PM

I’m a DHL courier.It’s my job to personally hand you the porno you ordered from the Internet.

Posted by: Lari | July 08, 2007 at 01:45 PM

I am a “Workforce Coach” in a call center; my goal is to keep employees focused and motivated. In so many words, I am an underpaid verbal punching bag.

Posted by: Lauren | July 08, 2007 at 01:43 PM

Two jobs I had:
Software Sales – I had to convince people pirating software to buy their own.Convince people sharing turds to pay for their own turd.Loss Analyst – analyze mortgages for fraudDig through all turds to find the few turds which we can tell sales to avoid selling to.

Posted by: Ericc | July 08, 2007 at 01:43 PM

Oh, and those folks that let the little things pile up, after a while they are just under a pile of shit that can bury them. Life is lessons, one after an other, and if you don’t learn them they keep returning and after a while you are under a big pile of them. That can be a real burden if you aren’t leaning them and getting them out of the way.
Billy B

Posted by: Billy B | July 08, 2007 at 01:43 PM

My job is to buy things the PHB wants but can not discribe.

Posted by: mwk | July 08, 2007 at 01:42 PM

Bloody hell Scott, I go on holiday for one week and come back to find a series of great posts. You’re on fire! Thanks for the compliments too.

Posted by: Steve | July 08, 2007 at 01:41 PM

I’m a long time lurker just now stepping up to the keyboard.X-ray Technologist: I take images of poo while it’s still in you.Barium enema anyone?

Posted by: Radonman | July 08, 2007 at 01:41 PM

My job is to convince mankind God is a spirituality only, and that he is God in evolution, but the fucking monkeys don’t get it. They want to believe in a bogyman in the sky when God is on this planet whacking off.
Billy B

Posted by: Billy B | July 08, 2007 at 01:39 PM

I mine bits (computer programmer).

Posted by: Albert York | July 08, 2007 at 01:36 PM

It’s my job to make sure the turd comes out okay, each day.I just hope that doesn’t make me the sphincter…(I’m a System Admin and mostly deal with production scheduling/issues.)

Posted by: drevell | July 08, 2007 at 01:28 PM

My job is to keep you from speaking to an operator.(IVR Developer)

Posted by: SafariShane | July 08, 2007 at 01:24 PM

I choose the documents to be ignored by my patrons – yessir, I’m a librarian…

Posted by: Ronald | July 08, 2007 at 01:16 PM

It’s my job to add peanuts and sweetcorn to this turd.
(Software Engineer, obviously)

Posted by: Iain | July 08, 2007 at 01:11 PM

My job is to read the manual. Reading the other comments I guess that makes me a retarded marmoset.

Posted by: Loz | July 08, 2007 at 01:10 PM

I make sure stuff is in a state of repair and ready to break without a lot of hassle

Posted by: mhweaver | July 08, 2007 at 01:08 PM

Telephone Customer Service for extremely wealthy credit cardholders: “Babysitter” (don’t really need a whole sentence)

Posted by: Sir Mike Tallon | July 08, 2007 at 01:08 PM

Middle Manager – I give “it” the last push down hill and then contrive speeches to convince “the team” that they should enjoy it when “it” hits them in the face.

Posted by: ASG | July 08, 2007 at 01:07 PM

Get people to eat shit for dinner, and make them think it is a necessary part of their diet.

Posted by: JJ | July 08, 2007 at 01:03 PM

I convert oxygen to carbon dioxide.

Posted by: Kelly | July 08, 2007 at 01:03 PM

I’m forced to listen to old morons for free.

Posted by: David | July 08, 2007 at 01:01 PM

As a Software Product Manager, my job is to explain all that is in the product, get blamed for everything that isn’t, promise everything that won’t, and not act surprised with everything that was added but not requested.

Posted by: Douglas Karr | July 08, 2007 at 01:01 PM

My job is to stitch turds together so they don’t look as turdy. (Video editor)

Posted by: Michael Casey | July 08, 2007 at 12:59 PM

I actually have three jobs.Physical Therapy Assistant – I count to ten while other people exercise… actually, I usually make THEM count.I do deep tissue Japanese Restoration Therapy on the side – I rub people the RIGHT way.I am also a Magician – I lie to people for their entertainment and my financial benefit.

Posted by: Ken | July 08, 2007 at 12:59 PM

I take your children, puncture their idealism, fill their brains full of theoretical nonsense, and turn them into your employees. — I teach college.

Posted by: webar | July 08, 2007 at 12:59 PM

My job is to spend several hours, often days to create a wonderfully lit stage that fits in with a band/group/orchestra, only to have nobody notice it as most of the audience are drunk bastards! (lighting designer/tech)

Posted by: Chris | July 08, 2007 at 12:56 PM

There are people out there who serve as a living reminder as to why cousins shouldn’t marry and why you should never drink when you’re pregnant; I try to explain to them how to use their computer.I’m tech support for a small ISP.

Posted by: Draco Red | July 08, 2007 at 12:54 PM

My job as a technical writer is to describe the turd in excruciating detail to the dumbest induhvidual that I can imagine (I might even include a diagram of the turd before and after the spray paint).

Posted by: Penina Rosenzweig | July 08, 2007 at 12:53 PM

Bartender.I sell magic potions filled with psychotherapy to those that sell the turds.

Posted by: Padre | July 08, 2007 at 12:53 PM

It’s my job to hock sub-par goods to simpering consumers, and get paid less to do it than my fellow co-workers; children who have thier parents drop them off.

Posted by: Kira | July 08, 2007 at 12:50 PM

Kristen, freelance marketing writer. My job is to make other companies look like they employ people who can write well. (It’s surprising how many people command huge salaries but cannot put together a cohesive sentence on paper. That’s why they hire people like me. I guess everyone has their strengths!)

Posted by: kristylynne | July 08, 2007 at 12:46 PM

I try to bring a little rain into the lives of flood victims (Government debt collector).

Posted by: Drew | July 08, 2007 at 12:44 PM

My job is to progressively elimate my job.
I “automate” software testing.

Posted by: VJ | July 08, 2007 at 12:43 PM

prosecutor: I engage in daily exercises of futility one turd at a time.

Posted by: tagman | July 08, 2007 at 12:42 PM

My day job is to allow work to happen. (IT analyst)My part time job is to ask people to shut the f5ck up. (location sound recordist)

Posted by: Mike Peter Reed | July 08, 2007 at 12:40 PM

My job is to tell enough B.S. that grants committees will get confused and give me money to go away.
(History professor)

Posted by: Gortex99 | July 08, 2007 at 12:37 PM

Haha, well I’m just a student. Maybe it’s my job to learn as much as I can about the turd. This reminded me of a similar piece relating turd and politics. I especially liked the definition of a Democracy – “They who shit the most; win!”Have a nice day!

Posted by: Denver | July 08, 2007 at 12:35 PM

My job is to dream, Scott. I’m a bollywood screenwriter.

Posted by: Mayur | July 08, 2007 at 12:34 PM

I have to give credit for this job description to a coworker of mine but it’s the best description of what I do that I’ve ever heard:We turn dog turds into egg salad. If we get lucky the dog’s been eating a lot of eggs.The other half of my job consists of teaching clients how to make their own turd-egg salad.

Posted by: kt | July 08, 2007 at 12:25 PM

Mid-level Cat Herder

Posted by: miles archer | July 08, 2007 at 12:25 PM

My job is to make stupid rich people feel good about their investment in a trendy high tech turd (CTO for hybrid vehicle startup company).

Posted by: dab | July 08, 2007 at 12:24 PM

My job is to help morons get the service they don’t deserve out of a gigantic dystopian corporate nightmare machine.

Posted by: Tailsteak | July 08, 2007 at 12:22 PM

I make lesbians cry.I conduct civil partnership ceremonies (and regular weddings).

Posted by: Barry Forshaw | July 08, 2007 at 12:20 PM

My job is to stamp out your turd when it catches fire. I go through a lot of shoes.

Posted by: Jay | July 08, 2007 at 12:14 PM

I create many small, alphabetized piles of turds out of large, chaotic mounds of outbox-vomit.(executive assistant)

Posted by: Heatherlyn | July 08, 2007 at 12:13 PM

My job is to lie to hill-billies and Mexicans about machined chunks of steel to the point that they buy the chunks. This is the only value-added process for which I am responible.

Posted by: Tyler Ellis | July 08, 2007 at 12:08 PM

I am a teacher. My job is to make kids feel smart, but also to remind them that they’re not *that* smart.

Posted by: Jessi | July 08, 2007 at 12:07 PM

Software Engineer: My job is to create work for the Quality Assurance department.

Posted by: Kris Johnson | July 08, 2007 at 12:07 PM

Highschool teacher in Spain: “I try to teach.”

Posted by: Listo Cómics | July 08, 2007 at 12:04 PM

I bust my butt to save miscarriages so they can grow up to become severely handicapped adults.

Posted by: GirlAtheist | July 08, 2007 at 12:04 PM

(Watered down) Project ManagerYou take the specifications from the customers and
you bring them down to the software engineers.

Posted by: ChrisB | July 08, 2007 at 12:01 PM

I hear ‘Put lipstick on this pig’ in reference to marketing.As an engineer, I design parts to fail just after the warranty.

Posted by: drummerjoe | July 08, 2007 at 12:00 PM

I demonstrate to others how to manage their turds – track it from conception to completion; capture all time, materials, and costs; and then bill the client for turd creation. And I love it.

Posted by: Real Live Girl | July 08, 2007 at 11:55 AM

IT Recruiter: I’m a match-maker for boffins.

Posted by: Robert | July 08, 2007 at 11:54 AM

My job is to price gouge people in exchange for cutting their grass

Posted by: Spence | July 08, 2007 at 11:54 AM

I tell people where to put there turds (environmental consultant).

Posted by: -drew | July 08, 2007 at 11:51 AM

My job is a student. I take other people’s turds and summarize them on paper.

Posted by: Scott Mayzes | July 08, 2007 at 11:51 AM

I am an optimistic pessimist. (Disaster Recovery Planner)

Posted by: Fran | July 08, 2007 at 11:50 AM

Everything I produce ends up as shit eventually. (chef)

Posted by: Matt | July 08, 2007 at 11:42 AM

I’m a truck driver. My job is to make people panic while merging onto the freeway.

Posted by: Kevin | July 08, 2007 at 11:41 AM

Management for IT firm:
My job is to referee the kids in the sandbox.

Posted by: Rob | July 08, 2007 at 11:41 AM

My job is to keep reinventing the wheel.The most challenging part is coming up with a new name.Wheel Expert Plus 2.0!

Posted by: Jedi Kevin | July 08, 2007 at 11:37 AM

My job is to convince people of scamming their loved ones and take the blame for it while I cash the checks. Yeah, I’m a divorce lawyer.

Posted by: Randy | July 08, 2007 at 11:35 AM

Its my job to put the chrome plating back on that turd when the users scuff it … or beat the snot out of it trying.Yeah, I fix windows computers.

Posted by: Bytesage | July 08, 2007 at 11:35 AM

And by the way – I’m now a project manager, so it’s up to me to ask them to build the turd.

Posted by: Tom | July 08, 2007 at 11:32 AM

My job is to convince businesspeople they can become competant in English in two hours a week or less.(Corporate ESL teacher)

Posted by: Julie | July 08, 2007 at 11:32 AM

I make pilots crap their pants before you crap yours.(I’m a software engineer who has worked on crew alerting systems for commercial aircraft.)

Posted by: Michael Carman | July 08, 2007 at 11:31 AM

Building Inspector — I make people spend far more than they estimated

Posted by: dvd | July 08, 2007 at 11:31 AM

Reminds me of one of my favourite phrases – often used by the guys in learning and development to explain why training can’t solve all your people problems and that instead you might like to reconsider your recruitment strategy:”You can’t polish a turd”

Posted by: Tom | July 08, 2007 at 11:30 AM

My job is to influence management to think of new turds to sell. (strategic cunsultant)My job is to help people from sales to sell the new turd (per-sales advisor)My job is to make a new turds, so sales can prove the crap they sold (Proof of concept builder)My job is to train people to use newly developped turds (coordinator / developer of trainigs)

Posted by: Business Intelligence Turd | July 08, 2007 at 11:27 AM

my job is to clean the shitters.
(Naval Engineer)

Posted by: Aaron | July 08, 2007 at 11:26 AM

I use computers to build new computers, so I can build newer computers faster (HW Eng.)

Posted by: AK | July 08, 2007 at 11:23 AM

it’s my job to put out technological “fires”. techno-firefighter.

Posted by: rcphq | July 08, 2007 at 11:22 AM

My job is to spend as little effort as possible to make others spend as much effort as possible.Yes, I’m a PHB.

Posted by: Dan W. | July 08, 2007 at 11:17 AM

I am completely successful when nothing happens.IT security is my job. Nothing bad happens when nobody can do anything. So the objective is to prevent stuff from being done. However, to be noticed and maybe even rewarded, it is necessary to let some things happen anyway — but to do it in ways for which I can visibly fix the consequent problems.

Posted by: Glen | July 08, 2007 at 11:14 AM

I’m a microbiologist and I always say my job is to move things from one tube to another.

Posted by: Dan | July 08, 2007 at 11:13 AM

I give kids dreams to crush (I’m a video game tester.)

Posted by: Stuart P. Bentley | July 08, 2007 at 11:11 AM

I work in product development, it’s my job to make sure the scientists and engineers use their powers for good, not evil, and dont scare the normal people.

Posted by: chembloke | July 08, 2007 at 11:09 AM

My job is schlepping bird-cage liners house-to-house.
(I’m currently a letter carrier.)

Posted by: Bromond | July 08, 2007 at 11:05 AM

It’s my job to answer questions for people too stupid to ask them.

Posted by: Darsular | July 08, 2007 at 11:02 AM

My job is to give love and to show love.(self~unemployed)

Posted by: bunny | July 08, 2007 at 10:56 AM

I watch computers reboot. Make a small change, then reboot again.

Posted by: David | July 08, 2007 at 10:55 AM

I create solutions to intangible problems. I’m a designer.

Posted by: Make It Pretty | July 08, 2007 at 10:51 AM

I go to meetings and stop people from being stupid.

Posted by: Doug | July 08, 2007 at 10:47 AM

Desk-Jockey

Posted by: Ken H. | July 08, 2007 at 10:44 AM

I was (just quit last week) a settings wrangler (programmer for autonomy). A small number of monkeys (non-infinite) could do that job.

Posted by: Julie | July 08, 2007 at 10:41 AM

I’m the pointy haired boss. :|

Posted by: Monkeh | July 08, 2007 at 10:41 AM

I am definately an accumulator. Maybe there’s a way I can change that.My job is to figure out what the turn is, the make it bigger.

Posted by: Texas Toast | July 08, 2007 at 10:40 AM

I bust my butt to keep miscarriages alive so they can become severely handicapped adults.

Posted by: GirlAtheist | July 08, 2007 at 10:40 AM

Housewife: It’s my job to try not to kill the baby today.

Posted by: Christina G | July 08, 2007 at 10:38 AM

My job is to fix complicated problems on 401(k) statements that can cost us clients if they are wrong, but in reality just go into the trash.

Posted by: Kristine Jenkins | July 08, 2007 at 10:38 AM

Student: Discern greater truth from information supplied by teachers.

Posted by: William McLaughlin | July 08, 2007 at 10:36 AM

It’s my job to make your kindly pre-painted turd dance.

Posted by: Derrill | July 08, 2007 at 10:35 AM

That cartoon will already describe all occupations in sales, advertising, marketing and PR, and probably extend to education, religion, personal grooming, counselling and too many others to consider. Up it goes on walls around the world.

Posted by: Ian | July 08, 2007 at 10:34 AM

I talk people off emotional ledges all day. Yes, I’m a realtor.”I use my brain so that others can remain braindead. (That is, I write technical manuals for the military.)”Imagine what they say about you . . .

Posted by: Uncle Mikey | July 08, 2007 at 10:34 AM

Email Conduit(sometimes I get all proactive and ORIGNATE an email thread–talk about a rush!)

Posted by: Dan | July 08, 2007 at 10:33 AM

I copy stuff for stupid people and try not to hit them.I work at a staples copy and print center.

Posted by: Josh | July 08, 2007 at 10:33 AM

my job is to believe in useless crap.

Posted by: thlayli | July 08, 2007 at 10:32 AM

I study insanely complicated mathematical models that describe the very simplest things, and which were all worked out long before I was born, but I don’t actually know how to build or fix anything.Yes, I am a physics student.

Posted by: Matt | July 08, 2007 at 10:32 AM

it’s my job to blow sunshine up your ass until the spray painted turd starts to look valuble – Account Manager

Posted by: Jeff Webster | July 08, 2007 at 10:32 AM

jhh wrote:> My job is to teach salespeople how to sell the turd. (Tech Rep)My job is to ignore Tech Reps, who know nothing about selling and everything about the turd, and who mistakenly imagine that their knowledge could help me sell the turd more successfully.

Posted by: Strawman | July 08, 2007 at 10:30 AM

I am an enterprise software developer. My job is making HTML interfaces to relational databases.

Posted by: Binil | July 08, 2007 at 10:30 AM

As a clerk at the DMV my nature is red in tape and … too devoid — as pursuant the moribundity those who inhabit my post are culturalized to exhibit — of any poeticality to complete successfully this parallelism. Fuck you and get in line.

Posted by: clerk | July 08, 2007 at 10:25 AM

My job is to repair problems created by lusers, and create magical things on the web imagined by no-idea designers!Strangely, thats IT Support & Webmaster!Could you guess?BM

Posted by: BrickMunky | July 08, 2007 at 10:25 AM

I beg people to let me help to make their lives better instantly- I’m a hypnotherapist. Actually I’m a entertainer… but helping stressed out, chain-smoking, fat ladies pays the bills.

Posted by: David | July 08, 2007 at 10:22 AM

Astronomer: My job is to misinterpret the universe.

Posted by: Edward Boyce | July 08, 2007 at 10:22 AM

Shop Foreman: I babysit degenerates.

Posted by: Bill | July 08, 2007 at 10:19 AM

My job is to keep my finger in the dike until we can afford a new one.

Posted by: Mason | July 08, 2007 at 10:18 AM

same as all programmers… make impossibly complex technology usable by morons, oops, customers.

Posted by: Ivan | July 08, 2007 at 10:18 AM

I play with used needles to find out if the cure works. CRM software testing at its finest.

Posted by: Jeff | July 08, 2007 at 10:14 AM

My job is to do things in bed.Not very derogatory, but that’s as bad as it gets….to do things in bed while watching telly?

Posted by: RavenBlack | July 08, 2007 at 10:13 AM

I’m a respiratory therapist. It’s my job to make sure that people keep breathing even when they’re just too stupid to have the privilege.

Posted by: Anonymous Therapist | July 08, 2007 at 10:12 AM

My job is to make me seem smarter then everybody else and that they should pay me as such.

Posted by: Mitchell | July 08, 2007 at 10:05 AM

I run around grabbing things in response to instructions written on a whiteboard in marker. I follow the commands of high school students and yet are paid more than them as a stocking manager.Serving a long-term religious mission in the Philippines turned me from an accumulator to a rounder. My life feels problem-free now. The only time I have ever been sad was during a bad breakup.

Posted by: Clumpy | July 08, 2007 at 09:59 AM

I take the homes of birds and sqirrels and turn them into homes for those who say they want to protect the birds and squirrels but really just want a cause to say they are a part of.

Posted by: laner | July 08, 2007 at 09:57 AM

I tangle string up, with sticks. I’m a Knitwear Designer. Although, I sometimes think that my job is to sweat blood creating a beautiful garment – and the elegant instructions to recreate it – so that someone who has never tried designing can flick past it in a magazine and say, “Meh”.

Posted by: Heather Cawte | July 08, 2007 at 09:54 AM

It’s my job to repeatedly explain what a turd is, and then make it work. (IT Support).

Posted by: Carl | July 08, 2007 at 09:52 AM

Scott..IMO..no one likes to demean their own job..no one would do it if they truly believed that it was a complete waste of time and “intellect”.
For the sake of comedy with some truth to it..”i get paid to create software bombs and ‘steaming piles of worthless code’ (adapted/taken from Dilbert).””Typing spastically on the keyboard, maintaining the balance of typing and deleting so that holy balance of zero productivity is maintained””I use the spacious restrooms in comfort until the motion activated lighting turns off lulling me into a comforting sleep until some coworker throws the room back into the world of light and sound”I guess I’ll leave the quips to you :)

Posted by: megalodon | July 08, 2007 at 09:44 AM

My job is to teach salespeople how to sell the turd. (Tech Rep)

Posted by: jhh | July 08, 2007 at 09:44 AM

My job is to continue my “in-cubicle sabbatical” indefinitely.

Posted by: Paul | July 08, 2007 at 09:44 AM

Inflight wing replacement technician.

Posted by: Bryan | July 08, 2007 at 09:43 AM

Systems Administrator — We maintain, organize, automate, replicate, backup and repair turds written by external-crappers (porta-johns if you will), sold by turd polishers, bought by turd collectors, and requested by internal-crappers (porta-johns that you have a [user]name for), and try to do all this while dodging turds flung by pointy-haired polished-turd-throwers.Its a run on, poorly thought out sentence, but by some contrived definition of “sentence” it fits!

Posted by: Turd Maintainer | July 08, 2007 at 09:43 AM

i dilbot

Posted by: andy | July 08, 2007 at 09:41 AM

I drive the Sunday School bus for the Church of the Web.

Posted by: Steve Mays | July 08, 2007 at 09:37 AM

I drive the Sunday School Bus for the Church of the Web.

Posted by: smays | July 08, 2007 at 09:36 AM

I’m a grad teaching assistant, so it’s my job to convince high school grad that they know absolutely nothing, then fill that void with actual knowledge.

Posted by: Alexander Bea | July 08, 2007 at 09:35 AM

My job is to add annoying security popups that nobody reads to popular IM software.

Posted by: Marvin | July 08, 2007 at 09:32 AM

“My job is to prove that you *can* polish the stuff you’re selling.”

Posted by: Anthony B. Coates | July 08, 2007 at 09:31 AM

I dress up for my clients and I get paid by the hour – I am a software engineer.

Posted by: Kiran | July 08, 2007 at 09:29 AM

Teach cynicism to 8 year olds.

Posted by: Gabe | July 08, 2007 at 09:27 AM

I’m a Code Monkey, but most of my job consist of putting out “fires” while they can still be rounded down.

Posted by: Ed | July 08, 2007 at 09:26 AM

Educated cosmetician and work in finance now.Where I work this site is NSFW, as it contains no nudity.I find complicated solutions for trivial requirements.Stunt meeterEE Cookie Jar Diligence

The man who wasn’t there (but got paid) – Support Ghoul

Posted by: Sven | July 08, 2007 at 09:25 AM

Educated cosmetician and work in finance now.Where I work this site is NSFW, as it contains no nudity.I find complicated solutions for trivial requirements.Stunt meeterEE Cookie Jar Diligence

The man who wasn’t there (but got paid) – Support Ghoul

Posted by: Sven | July 08, 2007 at 09:25 AM

I work hard so my clients don’t have to.

Posted by: J | July 08, 2007 at 09:25 AM

I make sure no child is left behind, even if they should be (teacher). Alternately, I tell people who don’t care about things that don’t matter (having a bad day; does it show?).

Posted by: Caroline | July 08, 2007 at 09:24 AM

Isn’t this stream of bullshit pretty?(Art Director for an ad agency)

Posted by: Ben Grogan | July 08, 2007 at 09:23 AM

James the bar/cellarman: I look after yeast cultures then sell the byproducts to people.

Posted by: James | July 08, 2007 at 09:21 AM

Scott:I work for a ornamental plants company, in their tissue culture department. I work on special projects to clean cultivars of bacteria and viruses, and develope growth medium for rapid in vitro production.Or, ‘I chop perfectly happy plants into little bits, and put them into test tubes for someone elses profit.’Cheers,Liz

Posted by: zyphax | July 08, 2007 at 09:21 AM

living the life cycle of eucaryotes(-ea?)

Posted by: rd | July 08, 2007 at 09:18 AM

My job is wake up in the morning breathing, yes I am retired and beyond that it is pretty much avoiding work. You ever notice that any job title with more than two or three words is usually a position created to fit the person that management wants to hire for other reasons. Having trouble finding a job title to give your idiot brother-in-law your wife insists you employ? See:http://www.bullshitjob.com/titles.html

Posted by: Arby | July 08, 2007 at 09:18 AM

It’s my job to annoy the hell out of everybody.

Posted by: Freddy | July 08, 2007 at 09:17 AM

I am a human napkin. (Stay-at-home mom of three)

Posted by: DarthMommy | July 08, 2007 at 09:16 AM

Hmm, I’m a programmer, so according to the turd analogy, my job is… to poop.Awesome!

Posted by: Jeff | July 08, 2007 at 09:11 AM

I’m a tech writer so my job is to explain to you how to consume this turd. I’m a rounder tho, and I also realize that our shit is, amazingly enough, much better than what you were consuming before.Are you sure turd would never be published? I suggest trying since it works much better. On the other hand, having the funny version in your blog is a good strategy for driving traffic here. When the strip finally runs, all the current blog readers will forward a link to this post to their non-Scott-Adams-blog reading friends so they’ll get to see the real punch line. Some percentage of those people will become regular readers. Very clever Scott.

Posted by: Some Moist Robot | July 08, 2007 at 09:09 AM

I’m a retired systems analyst, so I guess my current job could be described as gathering up those (dog) turds for Dogbert to paint…. Or maybe: refraining from helping anyone with their computer-related problems.

Posted by: JoNa | July 08, 2007 at 09:09 AM

To my being a barefoot and pregnant housewife and truly wanting to go to college I say to my husband, “What do you mean? Dinner is always ready when the smoke alarm goes off…”As far as the %80 and %100 people as well as the rounders and accumulators, you hit it right on the nose. Very funny, truthful and insightful. (I’m an %80-er, ain’t nothing worth %100 that I have found yet)

Posted by: sunflower | July 08, 2007 at 09:08 AM

Oh crap…per the above post…I just realized I’m Wally!

Posted by: JoePike | July 08, 2007 at 09:07 AM

It’s my job to drink coffee, surf the net, read blogs, do affirmations, listen to music, email friends and family, and read e-novels until I am rudely interrupted by software support calls/emails.

Posted by: JoePike | July 08, 2007 at 09:06 AM

Its my job to do all the tasks nobody else wants to do. (Admin Assistant)
My job is secure- nobody wants it.

Posted by: Karen | July 08, 2007 at 09:03 AM

Design Technician:I continually remind an Engineer that you can not defy the laws of physics.

Posted by: Eric | July 08, 2007 at 09:03 AM

Divorce Lawyer: I help people hate each other.[Best one so far. -- Scott]

Posted by: Napes | July 08, 2007 at 08:59 AM

I like my job. I must be a rounder.

Posted by: Robert | July 08, 2007 at 08:57 AM

My job is desperately trying to find ways to justify computing for grown-ups

Posted by: Michael fitzGerald | July 08, 2007 at 08:54 AM

I fight the second law of Thermo Dynamics.(I’m a glass collector in a club)

Posted by: Danny Gillen | July 08, 2007 at 08:54 AM

I am currently doing a vacation internship. My summary is:
Stay out the way

Posted by: Chris | July 08, 2007 at 08:53 AM

I get paid (bribed, really) to not crash the office computers. That’s about it.

Posted by: Rymosrac | July 08, 2007 at 08:52 AM

University professor… would be a great job if it weren’t for all the students.

Posted by: Rob | July 08, 2007 at 08:49 AM

People who study choice — an example that comes to mind is Barry Schwartz, who wrote a book called The Paradox of Choice — draw a distinction between “satisficers” and “maximizers”. Satisficers are the people who, when they want, say, a computer, will walk into a store and buy the first computer they think is “good enough”; maximizers are the ones who will spend ridiculous amounts of time worrying about which is the “best” computer. In the end they might save $100 (or get $100 more of computing power for the same price) by doing so, but it’s not worth the stress it causes them. This is becoming more and more of a problem because there are so many consumer products out there. Psychologically, maximizing turns out to be quite unhealthy. This isn’t exactly the same thing as your rounder/accumulator distinction, but they remind me of each other.

Posted by: Isabel | July 08, 2007 at 08:47 AM

Well, I’m currently unemployed, but I haveenough money set aside that I don’t have to grab the first stupid thing that comes by, so I guess…”Laurel-rester”.

Posted by: Bemopolis | July 08, 2007 at 08:47 AM

It’s my job to take an unintelligible mess and turn it into something a retarded marmoset could follow (I’m a technical writer).

Posted by: Nena | July 08, 2007 at 08:46 AM

I’m a surfer.Oh, yeah, I do other stuff to make money to pay bills and buy food and stuff, but I go to bed every night looking at weather conditions and get up every morning planning how and where I will next manage to get into the ocean and ride waves. All that other work stuff is just what I have to do in order to order to fulfill my true calling. And I don’t think there’s any way to define “infrared thermographer” in one sentence, derogatory or otherwise, that could possibly sum up what that is.

Posted by: Redwood | July 08, 2007 at 08:46 AM

It’s my job to do a cost-benefit analysis of the turd and encourage it to create synergy with other turds.

Posted by: CmdrSue | July 08, 2007 at 08:45 AM

It’s not relating to my job, but I am impressed how many comments almost pass as humour when they relate to someone’s work. Guess that’s what you made a living out of.

Posted by: Nic | July 08, 2007 at 08:44 AM

I path golf karts.(I work as a graphic designer for a couple of golf magazines. In reality it can involve lots of original design work and result in creating some preads that leave me saying “Wow! Did ~I~ just do that?” But it can also sometimes feel like all I have been doing for some dim fragment of eternity is tracing intricately detailed vector paths around pictures of golf karts and club bags, to makes them look as if they’re perfect little virgin items sitting on the page, divorced from all reality, not a big lump of fabric photographed in the middle of a messy studio with a backdrop that was white back in 1967, or even in the middle of someone’s backyard. Especially ones with lots of dangling straps, clips, zips, wheels with a billion overlapping holes in, and little mesh flaps and pockets sticking out all over the place. Some weeks I really wish I was working on a magazine about bricks. Or cardboard boxes. Or anything without zips and straps….)I guess I could have said “I make walking round a field swinging a stick look interesting.” But that would be a lie. Nobody can do that. Not even Dogbert.

Posted by: MyzLilith | July 08, 2007 at 08:44 AM

I sit in a cubicle and occasionally go to meetings.

Posted by: CPB | July 08, 2007 at 08:38 AM

My job consists of telling people who went to school for eight years to learn medicine how to follow simple basic instructions to fill out ONE kind of form so they can get paid by us, even though we mail them guides on how to do it. In other words, I tell SURGEONS the difference between left and right.

Posted by: Blake Sherblom-Woodward | July 08, 2007 at 08:37 AM

I sit in a large room with an expert and write down everything they say until I’m an expert, too.

Posted by: David Gian-Cursio | July 08, 2007 at 08:36 AM

It’s my job to run away and call the police. (security guard)

Posted by: Adam | July 08, 2007 at 08:35 AM

My assignment is to entertain you while demeaning myself.Like that’s gonna happen.

Posted by: Sondra | July 08, 2007 at 08:31 AM

I babysit grown adults working in a customer service center making sure that they take their lunches on time.

Posted by: Jake | July 08, 2007 at 08:28 AM

My job is to make intelligence read like apathy.
My job is to make sexiness look like taking a shit.And then Dogbert dips my turds of wisdom into glitter glue, and sticks them on The Great Wall beside all the graffiti.

Posted by: Penethra | July 08, 2007 at 08:27 AM

It’s my job to watch idiots produce a turd.

Posted by: Jason Allen | July 08, 2007 at 08:21 AM

I’m a Telecommunications Regulatory Affairs Analyst for a government agency. I like to refer to my job as “adult daycare.” I know that’s not what you’re looking for, Scott, but it’s the best I can do this early on a Sunday.

Posted by: Calendar | July 08, 2007 at 08:21 AM

I surf the web on my companies giant internet connection, while sometimes coding when my boss is looking.

Posted by: Donut | July 08, 2007 at 08:20 AM

It’s my job to make stupid people happy. (But really, isn’t that the job of most anyone?)

Posted by: Devlyn | July 08, 2007 at 08:19 AM

I use my brain so that others can remain braindead. (That is, I write technical manuals for the military.)

Posted by: Icy U | July 08, 2007 at 08:19 AM

My job is the come up with ideas that my boss can later make sound as his own.

Posted by: Juliette | July 08, 2007 at 08:18 AM

my job is to make misguided people think that quality is important to them.

Posted by: iggsy7967 | July 08, 2007 at 08:18 AM

Psychotherapist: It’s my job to bullshit people into thinking what they’re thinking is bullshit.

Posted by: Shrink | July 08, 2007 at 08:18 AM

I take complicated projects that the real engineers say will work, and make them actually work — at great expense of time (mine) and money (theirs).

Posted by: SystemsIntegrator101 | July 08, 2007 at 08:11 AM

Hired help, minus the salary.(Stay at home mom = chauffer, chef, maid, etc.)

Posted by: CLB | July 08, 2007 at 08:10 AM

I take the bits from here and put ‘em there.

Posted by: me | July 08, 2007 at 08:10 AM

I make people happy with useless data.

Posted by: morphousmarty | July 08, 2007 at 08:10 AM

I teach morons (the general public) how to produce television shows.

Posted by: tyler | July 08, 2007 at 08:08 AM

I am simultaneously the creator and destroyer of bugs: kind of like the god Shiva, only I’m paid a lot less and I work on a computer instead of the universe.

Posted by: Stephen Ware | July 08, 2007 at 08:07 AM

It’s my job to make it look like my boss knows what he’s doing.

Posted by: Myca King | July 08, 2007 at 08:07 AM

It says there are 10 comments but when I click on comments none show up. This is clearly a 10 on a scale of 1 to 10.Mike D.

Posted by: Mike D | July 08, 2007 at 08:07 AM

I’m a Web Developer, so my job is to convince everyone that what I’m doing is actually really hard and should cost enough to keep me in donuts for life.

Posted by: Jim | July 08, 2007 at 08:06 AM

I work as the middleman’s excuse for errors in a job that could be done by, given infinite monkeys and infinite time to reproduce the work of Shakespeare, ten lines of basic written by ten monkeys in ten minutes.

Posted by: Dan | July 08, 2007 at 08:05 AM

An accurate description of my job would be:”I am a high-tech janitor”.Basically an IT support consultant who cleans up crap created by the system users! :-)

Posted by: De-Silva | July 08, 2007 at 08:02 AM

It’s my job to keep hospital nurses from quitting.

Posted by: cph | July 08, 2007 at 08:01 AM

Drunk in charge of a G5 Mac.Paul

Posted by: Paul Mckenna | July 08, 2007 at 08:00 AM

Well… I’m a marketer, so you just did it for me. Thanks.

Posted by: Howard | July 08, 2007 at 08:00 AM

I Fix and Flip houses.”I put lipstick on the pig and sell it.”

Posted by: Bob The Builder | July 08, 2007 at 07:59 AM

Save lives, one menial task at a time

Posted by: Michael | July 08, 2007 at 07:56 AM

It’s my job to web-enable that turd.

Posted by: Phil Scott | July 08, 2007 at 07:55 AM

Scott;My job is to shock the crap out of people, then talk them into getting stuck with needles, all in the name of health care (I’m an Electroneurodiagnostic Technologist).Jane