Note: A reader asked me to help her with a sticky situation at work. I went to Karen Burns, AKA Working Girl, and asked her for help. This is her answer. You can find her blog here.

Hair Today, Hair Tomorrow

Here’s a sticky question via GL Hoffman (aka What Would Dad Say):

A baby boomer woman boss has a co-worker in her early 40s who is really into the 60s, music, car, hair styles. She also has very thin hair, which she rats a lot, leaving these very ugly clumps of hair on her head, which she is basically unaware of. The boss is concerned because they are in the public eye a lot, and are often judged, right or wrong, by their appearance.

Given the age difference, and the sensitivity to one woman criticizing another for her hair style, much less from your boss. . . .what advice would you give?

You know what? Working Girl has always been a worker bee, never a boss lady. Which is not to say she doesn’t have an opinion of how bosses should act! Yikes, she could write a book. So she’s going to take a stab at this question, with the reminder that most advice is worth what you paid for it.

So do you want to approach the subject gradually and delicately or do you want to take the bull by the horns? A gradual approach might be one recommended by Working Girl’s own hair stylist extraordinaire, Donnette. Donnette says:

Maybe her boss could give her a gift certificate for a hair service. The boss could go so far as to talk to the stylist and let them know the situation. Any stylist who sees a woman with hair clumped all over should recomend a solution (perm, color to create depth and dimension, or just a great cut and teach her a better way to style the new cut). The new look might be an adjustment for her so compliments to her about the new do are always a great way to reassure her that she, and the stylist, made the right decisions for her new look.

Thank you, Donnette. This is a clever idea that might work.

But if it doesn’t you will need a more direct approach. The “bad hair” sounds more a result of it being thin than of the employee’s interest in sixties fashions. Anyone with thin hair has already had to endure a lifetime of styling trauma, because thin hair is the hardest kind of hair to do anything with.

So be compassionate!

When you talk with the person, be sure to do it in private. Start out by mentioning what this person does well. She’s a valuable employee, right? You want to keep her? So start out with the good stuff, get her all pumped up, and then say, “You know, there’s only one thing that I see that’s standing between you and greatness and that is your general appearance. I wonder if you are aware–you maybe are not– that something as simple as a hair style can influence how people see us and react to us. Now I’m going to speak to you as a friend because I really care about you and your success. I frankly don’t think the way you’re wearing your hair right now does you justice!”

It would be nice right here if you could mention another style this employee had previously that you liked better. Because when you hired her the hair was fine, right? (Or else why did you hire her?) So you could say, “When your hair was longer/shorter/curlier it was really cute. It suited you so well.”

At this point the employee is probably going to be feeling embarrassed. Continue to speak kindly. Make sure she understands you are on her side. Mention possibilities for advancement in the company, good things potentially coming her way, your appreciation for her work, etc. Leave her with the impression that happiness and success could be hers if she just considered revamping her look.

Other things to keep in mind: Do you have any evidence (real data) that this employee’s appearance is hurting her, you, and your business? Even if she doesn’t ask you about it, you might want to think this through. Also, does your company have a human resources department? It probably behooves you to talk with them first. HR departments know the downside of practically everything.

Oh, and because you never know: Keep notes of this talk. Record what you said and what she said, and put it in a file.

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Posted: August 3rd, 2007 under ask Working Girl.
Comments: 5| Posted By: Karen Burns

Comments

Comment from Melissa
Time: August 3, 2007, 11:09 am

I experienced a situation like this only the woman with the questionable hair style was my boss. Now we were in public relations which is all about public appearance, right? Yet, this woman was stuck in the eighties! She had wings and ala Farrah, only bigger and with a teased Philly flair. She had this gigantic can of hairspray she was always pulling out of her purse to keep this jungle intact. I won’t even begin to talk about her “cha-cha” dress or the robin-eggs pumps and fish net anklets. Anyway, I finally got the nerve up to say something about her appearance, indicating that I thought she would be regarded with more of the respect she deserved if she updated her look. She didn’t seem offended, (but I’m not sure about this) and said that it was a look that she was comfortable with and didn’t see a need to change. I thought she handled the input very well, and she indeed did stick to “her style.” She never did get the respect that she deserved though and eventually started her own PR firm. I don’t know how clients perceived her. So much of life is personal perception. What I see as astounding bad taste, another person might see as cute (as one guy indicated when a friend and I asked what he thought about her appearance). In the end, I think that it points up the sad fact that we both pay too much attention to appearance and that it does matter in how you are perceived. It’s a sticky issue, as you point out. This whole conversation reminds me that I’ve got to make an appointment to get my roots touched up, UGH!!

Comment from joanne
Time: August 3, 2007, 11:17 am

Karen, I like your idea of encasing the bit of hair advise inbetween really positive comments about the employee…the whole idea of sanwiching criticism inside of compliments works pretty darn well. Just like when you talk to your kids, make sure you choose a time to speak to the employee when they’re not hungry and tired. People are better listeners when their tummies are full and they are rested; employees and children alike! And say it with a smile. That works well with everyone too!

Comment from almostgotit
Time: August 3, 2007, 3:11 pm

Oooh, yuck. Well, first of all — yes, it is *really important* to determine, first and foremost, if this appearance issue is as important as the “boss woman” thinks it is. Have there been complaints? Is there any other quantifiable evidence that this woman’s appearance is causing problems? REALLY?

It’s also very important to understand the legal implications before even bringing this up (HR can help. If no HR available, this one is probably worth seeking expert, outside help.) This woman may well have a medical condition (alopecia), which she is doing her best (badly) to compensate for. Here’s a thought experiment (which may clue one into the legal ramifications as well): what if, instead of her hair, this employee lost an arm or was otherwise disfigured? Would it be appropriate to suggest a better brand of prosthetic or that she use more high-hiding make-up to cover those nasty scars?

And finally, the extreme degree to which this woman has ratted her hair suggests to me that this woman already cares very much about her problem, and is likely to be very sensitive about it. We live in a world where even “normal” women worry about how they look, and it is very cruel, indeed, to women of abnormal appearance! The retro clothes may just reflect a belief that she doesn’t believe she can do any better, and I imagine this she may even hope hope HOPE that no one else will notice either the hair problem or her desperate attempts to fix it.

So please… whatever your approach, be both careful and kind.

Comment from A Reader
Time: August 3, 2007, 3:11 pm

Working Girl has good advice and the comments are good too. This is really sensitive, getting into personal appearance. However, if appearance is important for the job and customer (the customer is always the most important factor), then it is totally appropriate to bring it up. Like WG says, get HR involved, if you have one – they will know guidelines for difficult subjects like this. Otherwise, make it clear that appearance is important, and unfortunately, in your opinion, and you are boss, hers isn’t right for her specific job. Good luck! I know I always hated discussions of personal shortcomings – either on the receiving or giving end.

Comment from Karen Burns
Time: August 3, 2007, 4:07 pm

Wow. I feel blessed to get so many thoughtful comments.

Not to mention—-I seem to have some very compassionate readers!!