1. A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
-Garrison Keillor

2. Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-Victor Borge

3. Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
-Garrison Keillor

4. One day Donald Trump will discover that he is owned by Lutheran Brotherhood and must re negotiate his debt load    with a committee of silent Norwegians who don’t understand why anyone would pay more than $120.00 for a suit.
-[tag]Garrison Keillor[/tag]
5. Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. [tag]Charley Weaver[/tag]: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

6. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. [tag]Paul Lynde[/tag]: Who told you about my elephant?
7.  I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.

8. We are all vessels of accumulated errors.

9. “Leadership: the art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.” – Eisenhower

10. “We can make a dumpster fly if we put a big enough engine on it. Kind of hard to steer though…”

11. It’s important to have a house. Without a house, all you’ve got is a yard full of furniture.

12 “Respect can never be demanded, only earned.”
13. “Try anything that won’t cut down on your options later.”
14. “We’ve got a blind date with destiny, and it looks like she ordered the lobster.”

15. For every complex problem there is a simple solution. And it’s always wrong.
-[tag]H.L. Mencken[/tag]
16. You don’t have to be mad to work here. But then you’d just be a regular scientist.

17. Too soon old, too late smart.

18. “You miss 100% of the shots you DON’T take.”

19. There are only 2 rules to success:
1. Don’t tell everything you know.
20. Losers always “try” their best, winners f*ck the prom queen.

21. Good Judgement comes from Experience.
Experience comes from Bad Judgement.
22. Maybe the hokey pokey IS what it’s all about.

23. Off shore sailing is like standing in a cold shower tearing up twenty dollar bills.

24. “All generalizations are wrong.”

25. “There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.” — [tag]Rich Jeni[/tag]

26.  New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a dope . If you’re a kid, the cards are  keepsakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.