So.

We have an Annual Chili Cook-Off here in the LinkUp office.  Usually, I don’t enter my chili.  I prefer to let my peeps enter their own chili, their favorite family recipes, hidden secret ingredients and all that; plus I want to spread the glory around if you know what I mean.  But when I heard each chili entry was going to be anonymous, I thought this was going to be MY year.  I did not want to win by only the SuckUp vote.  My chili was just known by its name:  Mel’s Whore Chili and the number 1.  Fairsy.

Just so you know, I make fun of all those cooking shows, from Rachel on down to that blonde guy who screams at his chefs.  The women in my family read recipe books like dime store novels, passing them around, and giggling over their discoveries.  I could eat Cheerios, turkey sandwiches on white bread, and meatloaf every day with a Diet Coke Chaser if it were up to me.  Kansas.

Still, I just knew I could win the chili contest.  Have you heard Billy’s Pretty Good at Drinking Beer song?  I am pretty good at eating chili.  How hard could making it be?

The entire office staff sampled, compared, and swirled chili around their mouths just like Bobby Flay would.  I was away from the office during the contest.  Truth: I was simply too nervous.  But…drumroll, I won.  A fair vote, I did not give anyone even a sly wink as in “Vote for the boss’s chili.”  I am above that.

The office was shocked when it was announced who the winning chef was—how did I have time to create this awarding winning chili?  Someone else must have made it for me, someone said.  Another said, “Did he buy it from a restaurant?”

I agreed to write down my recipe just to prove it.  So, here it is.

Mel’s Whore Chili

1. Go to Target

2. Buy 8 cans of chili

3. Only 2 can be the same brand

4. Pour in crockpot, stir

5. Heat on low for 4 hours.

This cooking thing is easier than I thought.  Methinks Naming the Recipe is the trick.  Mel’s Whore Chili, get it?

I kill me yet again.