A couple of years ago, Chicago sold its parking meters to an outside company for…are you sitting down?…$1.15 billion.  Billion with a B.

Over the years, Chicago had essentially given up on its parking meters.  Just like they have given up on snow removal and quality government.   Some meters worked, most didn’t.  No dummies, the City’s residents pretty much ignored them, and ignored any fines.  The city only collected about $25 million per year.  Not chump change, but when a private company, Parking4Dummies, LLC, approached the city mayor and council about buying all the meters for 75 years, they were all  hands out, “we need the money, you Parking4Dummies guys.”

Well, soon the private company improved the meters, ie. they take credit cards now, went after parking fines, increased the fees, and increased the revenue by three times.  Private enterprise is like that.  They figure it out.

Chicago wants a do-over.  Mostly cuz the city was supposed to use the money for future needs, as in this idea:  BUY ONE SNOWBLOWER for the City’s sidewalks for cripes-sake!   But instead of saving it, they spent it all.  Lickity-split.  Anyway, now they think they should have sold it for about $750 million more.

Who knew parking meters could be so lucrative?

My Idea:  It got me to thinking about other areas that could be privatized.  I have a foolproof one.  You could make billions.  This has to do with unemployment benefits and the fraud that occurs.

Every state has an UI fraud reporting line.  I called one I found on the google. What a joke.  No wonder why Unemployment Fraud is at an all time high.

I am starting a new company, www.UFFDA.com.  If the parking meters in Chicago were sold for over $1 billion, how much would you pay for UFFDA?

It is called Unemployment Fellow Fraud Detection Administration, or UFFDA for short.  It works like this.  We all know someone who should not be collecting un-employment benefits.  It might be Cousin Jimmy who collects UI, but paints houses on the side for cash.  Or Uncle Curly, who tutors kids for cash on the weekends.  So, you call the number, rat them out and then collect your percentage, 10% of what you save the government.  Completely anonymous of course…no fights at Thanksgiving Dinner and all.

I think it would work.  Anyone know a lobbyist who has contacts at the state levels who could make me the sole fraud collection agent?  I give great commissions.

UFFDA!

Yahoo is running a story today on Jobs for People Who Don’t Like People. Warning: the links in this article take you to college online programs where Yahoo, of course, hears ka-ching on every click.

But…here is a list you can access for free on LINKUP.com.  I took each of the jobs, and found real openings across the country for you.  As Elvis famously said, “Thankyouverymuch.”–lip curl.

1.  Accountants.  OMG, over 145,000 real jobs up on Linkup.com today see here.  How hard can that job be, counting up the money, putting it in the bank.

2.  Computer programmers. There are 2,412 open jobs now on LINKUP.com, the job search engine.

3.  Writer.  Almost 3,000 real writing jobs up today on our job search engine website.  Some of these jobs are up even on some companies’ Facebook page.  If you see CURRENT JOBS AT OUR COMPANY, that is our app we provide to interested web 3.0 companies, like Hyatt and many more.

4. Medical Transcriptionist.  Another big career opening field for everyone, not just those of you who don’t like people.  Remember that was YAHOO’s headline, just designed to get them more clicks on the online college widgets where they make, I hear, about $20 for each click. 82,830 open medical transcriptionist jobs on LINKUP.com.

5. Actuary. Almost 1,600 openings in this field, as of 9:27 am this morning.  LinkUp refreshes its available jobs constantly so they are “fresh.”

CNN just published its list of most affordable cities in America.  I thought it would be helpful to showcase some of the open jobs current as of 11 am on 11/19/2010 via LinkUp.com in those cities. LinkUp is the only job board search engine that searches ONLY for open jobs on company websites.

1.  Most affordable.  Indianapolis. Median home price $109,000.  Number of LINKUP.com jobs: 4,560.  See the entire list here. Companies hiring today include Clarion Health and Eli Lily.

2.  Youngstown, OH.  Median home price: $75,000.  Number of LinkUp.com jobs in the Youngstown area: 1,445. Here is that list.  Westinghouse Nuclear and Timken are hiring multiple jobs.

3.  Grand Rapids, MI: Median home price:  $101,000.  Number of LINKUP openings RIGHT NOW: 2.175 here. Johnson Controls is hiring.

4.  Dayton, OH: Median home price is $90,000.  LinkUp jobs for people who want to live in Dayton or near there: 2,996 open jobs, many of which are not on Monster, et al.

BTW, it is perfectly legal to move in order to find a better job.  Why not move to a city that appears to be affordable.

Ok, so a lot of you have been asking for my opinion on the DWTS controversy.  Evidently, people who know dancing believe young Ms. Palin should not be in the “final.”  Check.

One man, himself “no rocketship,” actually shot his TV when Bristol beat Brandy.  Chill, Dude.

Bristol is on FB telling her friends that the “haters are out to get me.”  Maybe so.

I watched for a bit the other night and she looks like almost any 20 year old dancing on major TV.  Nervous, out of place, unsure of herself a bit..but awfully nice and cute.  She’s no Jennifer Grey.

So, if she wins the coveted Mirror Ball next week, here is the speech she could give:

First, let me think all the people connected to Dancing With the Stars.  This has been the experience of my life.  I have met some incredible people.  And the people who supported me have been sweet, friendly, and I treasure their friendship and goodwill.  I am not trying to be some goody two shoes martyr here, but we all know who the best dancer has been, so in the spirit of rewarding excellence and class and not simple  pure popularity, I want to refuse this honor and give it to the person who most deserves it.  Congratulations, Jennifer, you rock.”

What Else Can I Say: You’re an Asshole.  No, Really.

(Get Work)–The resume is perfect.  You can do the job.  You know it.  You are outstanding in your field.  Yet.  You do not get the job.  Life sucks and you feel like shit.  Again.  What is the fricking deal?

Suzanne Lucas, the EVIL HR lady, has the answer, “You are not getting the job because you are a self-entitled jerk.”  If you are not getting the jobs it may well be time to change some of your behaviors, she writes in BNET, like being rude or dismissive to the person at the front desk, calling-hanging up-calling-hanging up, sighing (eye rolling) during the interview, being all mememememe, or being late. My personal fav: writing email thank you’s in ALL CAPS.

I Was Homecoming King, Won the State 100 Meter Championship, and once dated Jessica Simpson

(Get Work)–Seems like lying on the resume is the new norm.  Even political candidates do it, without much percussion. (Yep, I know, wrong word, but it fits better.)  So what is the rule?  Can you?  Should you?  Rowan Manahan has some direct advice: IF YOU HAVE TO LIE TO GET YOUR FOOT IN THE DOOR, THEN THIS ISN’T THE JOB FOR YOU.

One of his key points is that naive job seekers think that all they must do is get into the company, and then then then then, they can sort things out.  Not true.

Profile Photos Gone Bad and On Your Resume, Too?

(Get Work)–Jason Seiden and Carol Roth answered the question that many of us should be asking:  Does my profile picture look stupid?  In a word, yes.  Especially if you had to ask.  Still, I enjoyed watching Jason and Carol float through the clouds, examining their favorite (?) profile pics.  Like “Tits ahoy”–and “Realtor”–and Cartoon Head/Avitar—and my favorite ( I hope Laurie Ruettimann is not reading this)–With Your Pet (most likely a cat).  They did miss on my favorite;  Big Blonde Hair Lady.  BBHL makes sense, at least, since she ALWAYS has more twitter followers than me.

“Well, er, I Pretty Much Did Farmville” for a Year and Other Reasons for Employment Gaps

(Get Work)–No question, it is tough covering up those gaps in your resume.  But Meg Guiseppi recommends not lying, and gets specific:”You can’t extend the length of employment for jobs on either side of the gap – that’s lying too.”  She quotes a Recruiting Trends study that says that 81% of recruiters give some leniency to these gaps and that, drumroll please, with her major point “89% of recruiters will look favorably at volunteering as an alternative to career employment to fill in the gap.”  Fill in those gaps with consulting gigs or volunteering efforts…both of which could lead to full time jobs.

I always advise people never to give advice. - – -P. G. Wodehouse

(Get Work)–It always makes me smile when a budding entrepreneur acts like their business idea is like, you know, so unique and T O P S E C R E T.  Promise not to tell anyone, k?  Right.

So what are you supposed to do, when you need some advice.  How do you get that advice?  Pam Slim has some answers for you in her article Double Your Learning Speed and Cut Your Mistakes in Half.  She gives the reader 8 Magic Questions to ask, like

Who has done this, or something similar to this, and done it well?

Of all the people I find who have done this well, which of them share my values, work ethic and life goals?

What were the key moves these people made in order to have success?

Who are the deep experts, enthusiasts and influential people in this area?

Where do they hang out, so I can go meet them?

What are the decision criteria used by decision makers for selecting products or projects?

Far better to ask for help and advice.  Nothing works like “Can I ask you for some advice?”  No one ever says No.

Oh Penelope, the Biggest Lie We Tell Ourselves is Not About Our Lack of Meditation

(Get Work)–Ms. Trunk is most likely the advice giver that most Gen x-er’s and why’ers know and trust.  I read her just to keep up, so to speak.  So when she wrote that “The biggest lie we tell ourselves is that meditating is not a high priority. First of all, if you don’t realize how much science there is behind meditation, you must be living under a rock.” I had to read further.

For it is not the biggest lie I tell myself, and I have a nickel to bet you that you tell your own selves in the mirror much bigger lies.  As in, “OMG, you good looking guy, you just get more handsome every day, never mind the wrinkles.” Or, “My ass still looks good in sweatpants.”  What is your biggest lie?

That mediation is not a priority?  Not even in my top ten.  What’s yours?

Dementia in the Workplace is Coming, Dementia is Coming…

(Get Work)–CNN ran a story about how “the aging workforce means that dementia on the job could rise,” and Laurie Ruettimann, maybe the most cynical, but funniest HR writer on the planet, used that story and reality to riff on what that means to all of us, er, you young people who want to make fun of us older (but wiser) senior citizens.  She does admit to calling Tech Support to fix her printer, which she had unplugged and forgotten about, her bad.  She’s in her thirties, what the hell does she know?  She does close with some good advice, though, which is “don’t meddle with health issues of your co workers.”  I would like to add one more:  ”Don’t roll your eyes when we say we just don’t get Facebook.”  Oh, one more, don’t blame others for *stuff* that happened years ago.  That is something old people do.

Employers Cannot Discriminate Against You, Just Because You Have Zero Skills

(Get Work)–Actually, they can, but according to new rules published last week by the government, employers can no longer discriminate against you if you have a genetic link to cancer.  We all know about non-discrimination laws against religion, gender, race or disability, but Eve Tahmincioglu, the CareerDiva asks, “Let’s say your boss hears you talking about your sister’s breast cancer, and figures there’s a chance you may get it some day and end up costing the company big health care bucks.

What if that boss fired or demoted you as a result? Is this legal?”

The answer is no, not now.

Walk a Mile in My Shoes, But I like Jimmy Choo’s the Best

(GetWork)–Every few months, HR pros get together at a few places and “talk things over.”  Stuff like–”What works in HR at your company, how to use Twitter, any new technology out there?”  Often, one gets the impression that the same one hundred HR people all come, mostly because their companies can afford the trip and the “tuition.”  They learn from one another, sure, but there’s a lot of catching up done, too…”Hey, I Lovelovelove what you did with your hair!”

So, when one attendee was flying home, and reviewing her notes, she wondered to herself, “What about the job seekers?” What, indeed?

Susan Strayer’s point, as she flew home, was how can HR get a better understanding of what the job seeker is going through.  In other words, how are all the new advancements in HR technology and so forth playing out in Peoria? What can HR folks do to learn how the poor sucker, frustrated job seeker views their company.  She has some good ideas—survey them, create an advisory board from the commonest job departments, a generic ‘think like a marketer’ idea, use the actual new hires to get immediate feedback, and even, my fav, talk to the rejects.  Knowing Susan, I bet she regrets just a teensy bit using the term “reject,” but at least she didn’t use “loser.”  I am betting that’s the impression that most of the non-winners get from most companies.

You can hear more from Susan at the Career Summit on November 17th, at 4:15pm EST on “Just Because You Can Talk, Doesn’t Mean You Can Interview.”

PS. I know, I know.  These shoes are from Christian Louboutin.

I Am Not Sure If I Should Shake Hands, but Hug?

(Get Work)–Ever been to one of those networking things, you know some people, some you don’t?  It is easy to hang with the people you know, so you spend most of the time bs-ing with them, acting all cool, like you don’t really want to be job NETWORKING.  Losers.  When you leave them, do you shake?  Wave?  Hugging seems so, you know, Oprah. And awkward, to say the least.

So when Tim Tyrell-Smith wrote about watching a woman hug some random people after a meeting (“Hug the One You’re With”), I had to keep reading.  Basically, Tim’s points are not really about hugging,…that clever guy…but more about engaging with your audience, even the interviewer.  His points are spot on: smile, laugh; constant eye contact; high energy; explain what it is you do or want clearly; and be an active listener.

Don’t Forget the “L” in the word Public on Your Resume

(Get Work)–I know you know that we know that your resume should be perfect.  No typos, misspellings, coffee stains, yadayadayada.  Miriam Salpeter (No added “t” thankyouverymuch) offers up even more examples and ideas how to avoid making head-slapping i KNOW BETTER mistakes.  Heck, I didn’t even know there was an exclusion dictionary available to help me correct manger, when I was trying to type “manager.”  She leaves a few tips, like have someone review your resume, and gives a few gotcha words—suing/using; board/bored; their/they’re.  Funny video, too.

“I Just Want to Find a Job I Can Be Passionate About!”

(Get Work)–Well, as we used to say back in seventh grade, “No shit, Sherlock.”  We all want that.  Shessh.  But if you stop and (try) to think about the kind of job you really want, you know, the kind that puts ramen on the table, you should really broaden your concept of what it is you really want.  Which is why Julia Erickson’s “Must Have” piece is so valuable to all of us out pounding the pavement, er, keys.   What is the work you like, what role, what about your co-workers, the environment, culture and the compensation.  She makes the valid point that in a tough economy, if you are lucky to find a job that meets 51% of your Must-Haves, that might be pretty good.

But just realize, that employers are trying to find people who meet 85% of their own Must-Have list.  This is a huge point.

That Google Staff Engineer Guy, Really? $3.5 Million.

(Get Work)–You may have read about the one engineer that Google had to bonus $3.5 MILLION to keep from moving to Facebook.  Wow.  And according to Fred Wilson, the nation’s venture capitalist, that is going to happen more and more.  I see that.  Well, actually, I don’t really.  But what I do see is there are a lot of folks with jobs who are only staying in the job because of the environment out there.  ”I’d quit, but I am scared of finding another job.”  As soon as people realize it is legal to quit and move jobs, and when they feel confident in doing so…the whole economy will heat up again.  I am not sure Fred is making this exact point in his post Storm Clouds, but it should be made.  For shit-hot software guys, it looks pretty good to him.  But…when you see this happen in Geekdom, it can only mean good things for the rest of us, er, you.

How Not To Get FIred Your First Day

(Get Work)–Yippee, you got the job, got a haircut, shined your shoes and reviewed the company’s website.  You are ready.  But then. Reality hits.  You feel overwhelmed, there’s not much going on, and you don’t know how you fit in.  So, you fire up Facebook and tell your friends that you are just a teensy bit bored at work, but you are glad to have a job anyway.  This is one of the things NOT to do on your first day, according to Anita Bruzzese.  Some of the advice is in the Duh category, but nevertheless, needs repeating…like get there early, stay late, read what you are given, wear a watch, and don’t pass gas.  Ok, that last one is mine, not Anita’s, her list is pretty good and should be required reading as you start your first day.

Are You a Slut or Just a Girly-Girl in the Workplace?

(Get Work)–Ouch.  I am glad I didn’t write this article.  Head down here, I am just reporting the news.  You saw the news about the woman who was fired because she had a big chest and earlier Debrahlee Lorenzana got  fired (pictured) because she was “too pretty.”  So, now, women who try to look presentable, according to Raven Moore in the Writer Babe series, are getting some odd looks and lessons from women who choose to comb their hair with the washrag.  I am not sure if Raven has many answers, but it is good she is bringing all this stuff up and out in the open.  These are big problems and we should talk.  Uh, what I meant to say was you women talk, us men will just shut up.

You may have heard about the new rock musical Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson now playing on Broadway.  The show’s kicker text: History Just Got All SexyPants made me smile and think “thank God for clever and creative people.”

“History just got all sexy pants,” told me pretty much everything I think I need to know about this musical.

So…in my continuing endeavor to showcase LinkUp to frustrated job seekers who cannot seem to find that job that fits them (sexy pants, get it?) I decided to just take a gander over at LINKUP.com and use “sexy pants” as the search term.  I know, for example, if you use “Matching 401k” you will get a list of over 15,000 companies who mentioned that term in their more robust LinkUp friendly job descriptions.  But “sexy pants?”  What company OUT THERE, if any, is so hip and cool, that would make SexyPants a term in their job description.

Could there by ONE?

And the answer, please.

Yep.

Hurry over and check it out.  But to warn you, YOU have no chance because I am completing the application now.  Which, BTW, is just one click away.  (It is the very first job in the list.)

Ed Note:

This is not mine.  Still.

At last count, there were at least 500 job advice givers on the world wide web.  Some like Nick Corcodilos on Ask the Headhunter, Alison Doyle, JT O’Donnell, Tim Tyrell-Smith, Paul DeBettignies, Susan Joyce, Alexandra Levit, Julie Walraven, Harry Urschel, Dawn Bugni, Rosalind Joffe, Donna Svei, Marianna Paulson (Auntie Stress), Mark Richards of the CandidatesChair, Megan Biro and her team at TalentCulture, t.h.e. Laurie Ruettimann, and Jacqui Barrett Poindexter on Career Trend are solid gold advice givers (many, many more).  Others, like me and unnamed others, tend to give out advice whether or not it really works.  My defense?  Hey, it is worth what you paid for it and like bloggers everywhere, this is for my amusement only.  Don’t take advice from someone else’s Dad, ask your own damn Dad.

Having said that, I have learned—or observed—there are some tried and true steps to getting a job.

1.  Learn stuff.  It might be proper grammar or spelling or how to trim trees or do high level math.  Try to get or develop a skill, any skill.  If you are lucky, it will be skill someone will pay you for.

2.  Be nice or likeable.  The truth is that most jobs are landed because of this very subjective but important attribute.  This is not to say that you are un-hireable if you are not nice, but it helps. Oh, yeah, here is an article on that.

3.  Finding passion is more about you than the job itself.  I am going to slit my wrists if I hear someone say AGAIN, that they want to find a job they can have passion about.  Like we didn’t?  You do not know what or where your true passion is.  Be someone who can create passion no matter what the job.

4.  If you want a job where you are told exactly what to do, day in and day out, get really good at asking “Do you want fries with that?”  Most jobs are yours to improve, handle and figure out.  The bigger the job, the harder those three things will be.

5.  It is legal to move.  I am struck by how many people stay in areas that have NO jobs.  Sure, you will have to leave Aunt Hilda behind, but it is legal to pack up your stuff and live somewhere else.  You’ll live.

6.  There is only one real reason why an employer will hire YOU.  You MUST help them fix a problem and make them money in so doing.  Obviously, this is not true in Guv-Ment type jobs.

7.  The corollary to “Learn stuff” is “Know people.”  It is easiest to find a job if someone you know can recommend you to a hiring person.  Since you will have 20 jobs during your career, you may as well start collecting friends and LinkedIn contacts now.  Be authentic, genuine and helpful in return to said friends.

8.  Don’t expect much from randomly broadcasting your resume or applications.  Go ahead and do it if that is what it takes to continue to get those Un employment checks.  Just don’t get all depressed when you don’t get a call back.

9.  Finding a job is just like sales.  Here are the key steps in most sales situations:  Find out the current situation (what problems are they having), enhance the pain they are experiencing with these problems by good open ended questions that demonstrate you know their business, present your solution (You) to those painful examples, and then ASK for the order (to work there).

10.  After you get this job, work hard and do well.  The better you do, the greater your chances of getting your next job.

Ok, that is about it.