The King of Malaprops had to be Archie Bunker of All in the Family, a popular TV sitcom in the 1970′s. I think malaprops and mondegrens are the just about the funniest form of humor, as the following Archie quotes show,IMHO.

Thanks to Archie Bunker Quotes:

No bum that can’t speak poifect English oughta stay in this country…oughta be de-exported the hell outta here!

Don’t talk like an ignarosis.

**Today I am over at US NEWS with a post called FIVE THINGS YOU SHOULD DO RIGHT AWAY TO GET A BETTER JOB.**

All kids are trouble, Edith. And I don’t wanna spend my reclining years trying to raise another one.

Yankin’ out the tonsils and the adenoods.

We hold these semi-animal meetings.

It passes outta you through your lower intestubes.

After once or twice a thing like this gets vulgarious.

New York champagne…that’s a phony label. They don’t grow raisins in New York.

Arrrivaducci

OK, if you can get an indepartial judge….

What do I look like, an inferior decorator?

I told him no. N, O, W, no!

You’re trying to give him goremets dinners.

Oh graytin potatoes.

When you’re workin’ with invalids there, especially a lotta kinda decrapid old people.

Geriatricide joint (the Sunshine Home, where Edith volunteered. Special thanks to P.A.)

These people know a lot about that voodoody-ohh-doo-doo

Voosa Versa

They’re picking bananas in Brazil and them Indians down there, they don’t care about what you look like.

He’ll be coming back and back and back, like a chronicle rash.

Civilized humanical relationships.

Spontanooity

We go to (Legion) meetings. We attend them there, waddya call, secret crocuses.

10 bucks puts a whole different complexity on the situation.

Just keep hanging your steamers over there. You’re the one who got me into this whole expensive party here.

Now I’m gonna synchrosize the watch.

Smells like some kind if saniquarium.

Edith, hold it! You are invading the issue.

Who do you think I bunk (bumped) into?

One of the funniest antidotes of all time….you sit there like you’re in a comma.

Emanuel: Archie, por favor? Archie: yeah, pour some more.

Ya don’t have to soft soap me.

Special kind of stanima.

Legitimate reality (realty) company.

That guy is a blackbuster.

Gonna take all of my thinking and all of my consecration.

(Archie was told his insurance policy was “economically terminated.” He later told Emanuel after firing him that he was) “unfortunately terminated.”

On a full stomach I probably detergorate.

That woman is liable to come at you like a Doberman’s Pincher.

Fourtet

Fillit mig-non

Sit right down there, seniorora.

I’m out there everyday amongst them, in the smelting pot of New York.

This is only a little mispensation.

He was able to keep things in the proper suspective.

You made a certain referential remark there.

Them eggs over there are startin’ to foment.

Ya gotta watch out for that rigididness. It’ll warf your personality.

It’s irrevelant.

Dunn & Broad Streets.

Excusez-moy

Bonafried

Even Robinson Crusoe had company on Friday

(cough cough) You’re germinatin’ all over me!

Sentimentual value

He’s got some grand strategy that he can’t revulge.

Be careful calling attraction to themselves.

If he don’t go calling the cops “pigs” or one of those other epilets, he’ll be all right.

Innocent stand-byer

See if he passed the literaracy test.

Crinimals

I’d say that the Meathead probably got magnesia and forgot where his mouth was.

I’m half prostate in the heat.

I’m 50 years of old.

So finally, the great Jefferson, who always reclined to cross my freshhold is into the house.

Shut the door will the 2 of yas, we’re catchin’ ammonia.

Our Air Corps reunion was held to rememmorate the great things we done.

I am B-U-Z-Y, busy!

I’m sympathising my watch with yours.

I got something important here to read and sign and I gotta consecrate on that.

The flesh of your blood.

Can’t eat the food with these Chink pickup sticks.

Stamped inedibly on my heart.

Junk and deebriss (debris)

Like that movie “Gone with the…Clark Gable.”

But what does he owe me for 5 years of bread and broad? (one of my all-time favorites)

That ain’t superstition that’s self-perservation.

That ain’t no trampoloon.

My hunka flywood is ripped off!

Why don’t you take a high dive into the clam drip!?

Baby lying in the bassinoot.

“The Sex Lives of A-Borgnines”…is that the actor with all the wives?

Here’s the money for our patentcy (patent).

I pay very heavy semi-annual premiums 4 times a year.

Archie was asked: How do you celebrate Brotherhood Week? Archie: Well, being an only child, I never do (of course, later he DID have a brother in the show).

Niloleum

Reclimbing chair.

You’re a bartender, y’aint a mortrician.

The Meathead swooped down on the table like a plague of crocuses.

Commenstrual with my experience.

The rules are written by the beaurocraps.

Oh say can you see by the dawn’s every night…..what so loudly we hail….

Wake up from your fiestas!!

(reading a job ad about Uganda, replies to Edith) Waddya want me to take the whole family to Mexico?

She changes prices. I caught her in a near misdemeanus.

Looking at the initials on your monogroom.

Archie: You been to college? Reply: William & Mary. Archie: Oh, 2 of them.

I’ve been accumeratin’ these benefits for 30 years.

Ask for referendums (references)

I’d give that picture a Japanese Academy Reward!

(the head came off the) Decrapitated Pee Pee Doll.

With all due regrets.

Just try to restract his attention.

You’re breakin’ about 18 laws, maybe even a dozen.

Tell ‘em we’re all decreased — we went last night in a suicide pact!

Busted tribia (tibia)

I was readin’ an article about the animal population — there’s millions of pets explodin’.

One of those digitalis clocks.

Mike: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Archie: Denmark ain’t no state. It’s the capital of Colorado.

(Archie traced Edith’s signature) Edith: that’s forgery! Archie: No, that’s tracery!

A brand new vacuum cleaner with all the latest attractions.

Take a cruise down to the Virgin’s Island.

The first minute we get something beautiful going you got a way of saying things that just, I dunno, breaks the whole spill.

Waddya expect him to say, entray voose?

Besmooch the family name in the eyes of the community.

International Spade The Cat Week

(Did she) RSBVD ya?

Look at the 2 chimpanzoos over here.

Buy one of them battery transvester radios.

Ecrological/Ecrologist

To Archie: Would you join us in a little reprimand? Archie: Yeah, sure, I ain’t drivin’…..anything ya wanna serve but put it with a little water ’cause ginger ale give me dispoopsia.

I got a unanimous letter (anonymous)

Transflusions

(Gloria pinched his butt) Ya twisted your father’s assiatic nerve.

A vacancy might be opening up right now, courtesy of the grim creaper.

It’s only the mercy of the lord I ain’t had a stroke already…and a coronary trombonus in the bargain.

Koozeeny (zucchini)

45 caliber German Shmowzer….a 38 caliber German Floogle with a telephonic site.

I hate to leave in the middle of all this hillerarity.

Alf my vitazane and hey, alf yours too.

(“Goodbye Mr. Bunker”) Uh, like they say, Al veetazoon.

Well, yous 2 may have come from monkeys and bamboons, but not me.

That’s a genuine fac-same-ully.

Mike? It ain’t enough that he’s a Pinko and an atheist. You gonna turn him from a man to a morphadite?

They want people like your mother down there because they know they ain’t got no pre-conscrewed ideas.

I ain’t had no brother for 29 years — nearly a quarter of a century.

Corona-rary bypass.

I ain’t gonna let him take my little family way out to the coast (California), 950 miles away.

Before he makes any remittmants out there.

Do you think that suppository is gonna be safe from me there, Edith?

(probably his longest messed up idea) California is the home of where is gonna occur the world’s worst cat-a-strofe….sittin’ on a shelf out there…..3 states on that shelf, California, Oregon & Missouri. The day of the biggest earthquake….those 3 states are gonna be shoved right offa that shelf there. They call that the “Continental Divide.” (Mike: WHAT???) Yes, yes! The Pope knew about this years ago. He said it was St. Andrew’s fault.

Arterial influction.

Arrivaducci, von boyage.

I work for myself. I’m what ya call an “entramanure.”

Minororities

Superiorority

Homo sapiens….that’s a killer fag.

You got a very warfed sense of humor.

In her elastic stockings, next to her very close veins.

Last will & tentacle.

Hippocritical oath.

Back then the women had babies, which they called in them days, begatten.

Mouth-to-mouth restitution.

Genuine 100% chromonometer (a watch)

The officer ain’t interested in no renimiscences of yours.

That letter’s too old! What I mean to say….it’s subspired.

The vertizontal hold on the TV.

Me and your mother ain’t no duke or duke-ess.

I ain’t no counterfeeter.

(after money changed several times) ‘Cause we’re gonna start this whole transfaction over.

Ya look like one of those pall buriers at a funeral.

You ain’t got no qualifidations.

No armaments, no neighborments.

Lionel: Can I call you Uncle Archie? Archie: To tell you the truth Lionel, I think it’s against the law.

It’s the world’s oldest profession….runnin’ a house (housewife).

Gonna be incrimated….they’re gonna keep the ashes around the house in one of them silver urinals.

Another victim of the grim weeper.

The rest of the bricks and bracks on the mantle.

Floods and diseases and pestillentaries.

Ye is the plurable of you.

This ain’t one of these slighthearted occasions.

None of the “how was your day” or “woopdee woos.”

Salivation Army.

Dropped the heavy lid of the terlet right on my instoop.

Race or color or breed.

You never believe nuttin’, Edith. You’re of them septics.

Gloria: signed under duress. Archie: Yeah, without knowing I was under the dress.

The upper part, waddya call, the mezzarine.

From the prairies, to the oceans, wide with foam….

There’s a strong criminal relement up there.

The lord may be smilin’ on the sheeps, but they still wind up as lamb chops.

Irene: (the sign says) “Pilferers Will Be Prosecuted.” Archie: It means queers stay out of the men’s room.

Farkerhouse rolls.

Here’s a last bequest: I don’t want that guy sayin’ my last urology.

He’s still scravengin’ down here.

Mike: heredity…. Archie: I ain’t got that. I lost that with my appendix, didn’t I?

Nothing Eyetalian because it causes garlic stones.

Wouldn’t have to live in miscomfort.

Utrilities

Considering what he done, I think it was highly aproplactic (appropriate).

I gotta lose weight, Edith. I hope you remembered my diuretic cottage cheese.

Edith: It was called “I Am Mary’s Uterus.” Archie: What da hell does a musical instrument have to do with this?

Umbiblical cord.

I ain’t got nothing in that hand. Look at that, this guy is suspective of everything.

They just wanna get rid of us old guys over 50 that’s all, and put us out to pasture. Well I ain’t ready to be pasteurized!

George Meaney, head of the UFO-CIA. (AFL-CIO).

(to the doctor) How about what I done for you in the bottle there? Ya know, the eulogy test.

Hereintofore, I’m gonna call you Michael.

Edith: Maybe we could take it back (a stroller) and exchange it for a bassinet. Archie: Don’t be ridiculous Edith. The kid can’t learn to play one of them till he’s 13!

This den of inquizidry.

Could I get gangroon out of that?

Some system of judaspudence we got here.

Hemmoroods.

Movin’ down south to Minnesota.

I wanna read ya something right out of the allamac.

Marchin’ in all the peace riots.

Spanish PR’s from the Caraboon.

A white guy standin’ there bloatin’ over takin’ a job from a colored guy.

I’m going to the Colonel next. I’m gonna get a big bucket of chicken chests and smashed potatoes.

Lemon merinj pie.

That there is an invason of my privates.

Ya can’t give away the mohair jacket there. (Edith asks “Why not?”) Because the mo here is as good as it ever was. Gloria: “Daddy, there’s no such animal as a mo!” Archie: The Canadian woods are full of mos!

King side (size) bed.

It’s a temporarial blowout here. All the houses on the block are dark.

Present company suspected (excepted).

At night they all come out of the subway and they’re hooverin’ around the corner.

Everyone knows Foley the philangerer!

We’ll have a big bowl of spaghetti and a plate of some of that veal scallopeepee.

That perfume you’re wearin’…it’s really somethin’….what is it, Fuh-Berj?

The hell with the toothpicks. They say them things bust your emammal anyhow.

It’s evaporooted a little bit there.

It really kind of infilterates the noh-strils.

Horse ovaries (hors d’oeuvres)

(hunched over, walking Joey) He’s breaking his grandpa’s sacrolificat.

I’ll leave it up to you, Meathead, to cut down on your consuction.

It’s a point or setter plant (poinsettia).

Wearing a cheap toop (toupee).

Oblituaries

You’re gonna be stuffed in one of them intestinary cases.

I ain’t in a happy frame of mood.

Friccastewing a chicken on the hotplate.

I’m suffering a little bit from smoke exhilaration.

Volcanoes erupting hot guava.

She caught a touch of laryngosis from the smoke.

Dial 919 (911).

It took me 20 years to memorize the deformaties of the room.

You got easy regress to safety.

Suppose you get an attack of gastriasis in the middle of the night.

You’re talkin’ like you swallowed an alnamac.

Upward spinal (spiral).

Please don’t draw me no diaphrams.

When they go besmearing the name of a great linebacker.

Throwing bricks and bottles, it’s like a regular inserruption.

I would have brung you flowers too, but I read in a magazine that they suck up all the carbon monoxygen.

Business adventurous (ventures).

You’re a hairess (heiress).

Funerereal

Absolutely free, or greatis.

Go on with the renouncement.

Something bad has befelt the family.

What the hell are you some kind of prostate server?

The way a doctor writes out a subscription.

Nice quiet, waddya call, stablishment.

When you work the buttons here, see, it develops what ya call the digitalis skills.

It’s a beautiful beege color.

You’d play me chess, about which I don’t even know how to deal.

You get them things in your eye you could destroy the rectal nerve. (then) Oh sorry, that don’t restore my hindsight.

I just want to take the opportunity to express my waddya call, gratitude and depreciation.

Stick it all right into that bank suppository.

Your own flesh & blood husband.

I could get blackbusted.

A dreaded disease is infilteratin’ our home.

You’re the lowly pheasant with the job of keeping her here.

One of these days I’m gonna dehead myself!

Edith, I’m mortifried!

Rules and regulations and priororities.

You’re sicker than me? Edith, get me the other fomometer.

Maude: That man had charisma! Archie: I don’t care if he was sick!

The Bunkers is going down to Florida as pre-deranged.

He’s talking another war, an old war, ya know, 1812, the one between the states.

To watch 24 hours a day through them high-powered spectaculars.

I’ll bring ya a bottle of champagne. Maybe I’ll even bring home a whole maggot.

Here’s to the new interprood. Put me in for $5,000.

Imported from a little town in Italy…Fresno.

A sourpuss never afflixes my appetite.

Electrical degenerators.

I wasn’t referencin’ (referring) to myself.

Largess, smalless, any kind of ess.

The man ain’t got a regleamin’ feature.

I was just a little bit exstartled about being called out of the ordinary.

I’m glad for your gratification (gratified).

First time in 23 years our minds are synchrosized.

Mike: Goodbye! Archie: And good ribbance!

She takes everything I say out of contest.

Laundryette.

Oh say can you see, by the dawn’s early light. What so proudly we hailed. Of thee I sing.

Some of our best habadasheries were in that (laundry) load.

Judge, could I, waddya call, encroach the bench?

Probably a torn filament right there in the kneecap.

Stop soft soapin’ and trying to deterge the judge!

If your cousin Maude says one wrong word to me, we’re gonna be leaving before the bride takes the shower.

It’s only supposed to take off a little microscope at a time.

I commensurate with you on that.

The tiger, he come up with the tigeress. The lion, he come up with the lionette. The zebra, he come up with the zeberelle.

If you was eavesdripping, that there is a very defensive thing to do.

And I mean this very sinseriously.

When ya go out there in the water and ya start crossing your longirudes and lassitudes.

Antitoxidote cruisin’ through my system looking for some disease to attack.

This anecdote (antidote) you give, how ya supposed to take it?

My eyesight went blurry from the lastitude they put in the mushrooms.